Fed up.

Ha. Nice title, eh? Did it get your attention?

I bet.

I have so much on my mind lately, and honestly a lot of it isn't kosher to share with anyone but my husband so I wont vent but I'm just. so. tired. of life here in America.

Really.

But- that doesn't mean I think we should just pack up and move overseas either (because that wont solve the issue- we'd just be running away from it).

I truly, TRULY, feel God is stirring something in my heart, and my husband feels the same. To live differently HERE, right now. To live radically different.

I don't know what this means yet. We will see how He guides us in the coming days, months, and years ahead. He may, in fact, lead us back overseas- we honestly haven't a clue what He's doing in our hearts. But we are waiting on Him. Waiting, listening, and praying until we hear.

But right now, all I can say is we are just so fed up. Fed up with the excess, with the ridiculous dissatisfaction of people we read about/meet/see/hear. Fed up with people who drone on about the injustice of this and that in America when it's MUCH worse elsewhere. Fed up with OUR OWN hearts, often becoming discontent with what God has so graciously given us. Fed up with society in general for consuming, not giving, for accumulating and wasting and wanting and saving and not thinking anything of it.

Fed up with our own little cutesy world where we drive our minivan to Target to buy things we "need," stopping at Starbucks on the way home, justifying our purchases and then giving a few bucks in the offering plate on Sundays when half the world is starving to death and we haven't even considered THEM first. Just ourselves. We (my husband and I) are SO guilty of all the above. We are not exempt.

But my heart is changing.

I feel like I've had on rose-colored glasses for so long and I just finally took them off. I recently read the book Kisses from Katie, which brought back to mind the many things we witnessed in Africa. It reminded me. Threw it all back in my face (in the best of ways). I'd seen it all there. People here don't. even. realize. They just don't.

After Africa, and after reading the book, I cannot "comfortably" pretend nothing is going on. I can't drive in my car and just shut the world out. It's as though God has pulled me up to the highest heights to view the world from a different angle. He's taken me out of tunnel vision and given me from a bird's eye view.

It's not about me. Nothing has ever, EVER, been about me. All I've been given is His. My entire life on this earth exists because He gave it to me.

How am I using it to bless others? What will I do with the rest of it?

My husband and I are chewing on this question a lot lately. We don't want our boys to grow up consumed by material things. Consumed by self-worship, greed, lust, selfishness.

We want our family to reflect the greater picture, humbly, because we aren't really the types that like to be on stage. It makes us kinda prickly to be in the spotlight. Okay, let's be honest- it makes us sweat. A LOT. Even sharing this with all ten of you readers (ha) makes my skin crawl a bit. I'm the worst kind of introvert, or as my dear friend would say, a quintessential, pseudo-hermit bookworm, right S? :). But irregardless of our behind-the-scenes preference, we want to serve God entirely, with all that we have, and all we've been given.

Not sure what this means or how He will use us.

Who knows? Maybe we will just quit this place altogether and move across the ocean. Though for us, that seems to be the easier route right now and we are feeling called to a challenge. Honestly, most days it's more challenging to live right here, among the excess, trying not to get caught up in it- and failing. Daily. I've lived in Africa AND the U.S., mind you. And yes, I'm going to be bold and say that most days it's actually more spiritually challenging to live among stark complacency, apathy, and pride. It's quite different to "rely" on God here while living in a plush condo, sipping a latte, and wearing fashionable clothing. It's quite hard, really, to find the need to "rely" on anything other than myself. Much different than Africa where I've never felt more near God. We had no running water, no phones, no electricity, none of the comfort food or stability we have here.

But I've never, IN MY LIFE, been nearer to God than I was there. I relied on Him for everything. I prayed like it was my lifeline. I loved Him without abandon.

Do I still? Honestly?

No.

I have fallen back into loving everything BUT Him, and giving Him my sloppy seconds.

How can I change this? How do I strive for humility in a nation so wracked by greed and needless wealth? How can we (and others) change our pre-conditioned minds to focus on giving, not accumulating, and to do so with a joyful heart? How can I love God without abandon again and not my own prideful self? How can I grow to wholly rely on my Lord and not allow others to dictate my worth? How will He use me, and my family, to glorify Him?

I am anxious to see what God has in store for us, to see what our future holds.

Stay tuned...