An Unlikely Servant

Fed up.

2012-01-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

Ha. Nice title, eh? Did it get your attention?

I bet.

I have so much on my mind lately, and honestly a lot of it isn't kosher to share with anyone but my husband so I wont vent but I'm just. so. tired. of life here in America.

Really.

But- that doesn't mean I think we should just pack up and move overseas either (because that wont solve the issue- we'd just be running away from it).

I truly, TRULY, feel God is stirring something in my heart, and my husband feels the same. To live differently HERE, right now. To live radically different.

I don't know what this means yet. We will see how He guides us in the coming days, months, and years ahead. He may, in fact, lead us back overseas- we honestly haven't a clue what He's doing in our hearts. But we are waiting on Him. Waiting, listening, and praying until we hear.

But right now, all I can say is we are just so fed up. Fed up with the excess, with the ridiculous dissatisfaction of people we read about/meet/see/hear. Fed up with people who drone on about the injustice of this and that in America when it's MUCH worse elsewhere. Fed up with OUR OWN hearts, often becoming discontent with what God has so graciously given us. Fed up with society in general for consuming, not giving, for accumulating and wasting and wanting and saving and not thinking anything of it.

Fed up with our own little cutesy world where we drive our minivan to Target to buy things we "need," stopping at Starbucks on the way home, justifying our purchases and then giving a few bucks in the offering plate on Sundays when half the world is starving to death and we haven't even considered THEM first. Just ourselves. We (my husband and I) are SO guilty of all the above. We are not exempt.

But my heart is changing.

I feel like I've had on rose-colored glasses for so long and I just finally took them off. I recently read the book Kisses from Katie, which brought back to mind the many things we witnessed in Africa. It reminded me. Threw it all back in my face (in the best of ways). I'd seen it all there. People here don't. even. realize. They just don't.

After Africa, and after reading the book, I cannot "comfortably" pretend nothing is going on. I can't drive in my car and just shut the world out. It's as though God has pulled me up to the highest heights to view the world from a different angle. He's taken me out of tunnel vision and given me from a bird's eye view.

It's not about me. Nothing has ever, EVER, been about me. All I've been given is His. My entire life on this earth exists because He gave it to me.

How am I using it to bless others? What will I do with the rest of it?

My husband and I are chewing on this question a lot lately. We don't want our boys to grow up consumed by material things. Consumed by self-worship, greed, lust, selfishness.

We want our family to reflect the greater picture, humbly, because we aren't really the types that like to be on stage. It makes us kinda prickly to be in the spotlight. Okay, let's be honest- it makes us sweat. A LOT. Even sharing this with all ten of you readers (ha) makes my skin crawl a bit. I'm the worst kind of introvert, or as my dear friend would say, a quintessential, pseudo-hermit bookworm, right S? :). But irregardless of our behind-the-scenes preference, we want to serve God entirely, with all that we have, and all we've been given.

Not sure what this means or how He will use us.

Who knows? Maybe we will just quit this place altogether and move across the ocean. Though for us, that seems to be the easier route right now and we are feeling called to a challenge. Honestly, most days it's more challenging to live right here, among the excess, trying not to get caught up in it- and failing. Daily. I've lived in Africa AND the U.S., mind you. And yes, I'm going to be bold and say that most days it's actually more spiritually challenging to live among stark complacency, apathy, and pride. It's quite different to "rely" on God here while living in a plush condo, sipping a latte, and wearing fashionable clothing. It's quite hard, really, to find the need to "rely" on anything other than myself. Much different than Africa where I've never felt more near God. We had no running water, no phones, no electricity, none of the comfort food or stability we have here.

But I've never, IN MY LIFE, been nearer to God than I was there. I relied on Him for everything. I prayed like it was my lifeline. I loved Him without abandon.

Do I still? Honestly?

No.

I have fallen back into loving everything BUT Him, and giving Him my sloppy seconds.

How can I change this? How do I strive for humility in a nation so wracked by greed and needless wealth? How can we (and others) change our pre-conditioned minds to focus on giving, not accumulating, and to do so with a joyful heart? How can I love God without abandon again and not my own prideful self? How can I grow to wholly rely on my Lord and not allow others to dictate my worth? How will He use me, and my family, to glorify Him?

I am anxious to see what God has in store for us, to see what our future holds.

Stay tuned...

One Word

2012-01-02T12:19:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be honest in saying I, gasp, never really make New Year's resolutions.

I find them daunting.

Lofty endeavors, especially ones I likely wont attain, aren't really my thing. Not accomplishing tasks makes me feel a failure and I don't need to add that to the list of things I get down on myself about. I have plenty of those already!

Instead of making loads of resolutions I may or may not live up to- I'm copying a dear friend of mine and choosing ONE word to define my year. This word will be the capstone of all decisions made. It will be what I refer to if I am feeling down, stressed, defeated, inadequate, overwhelmed, angry, depressed, etc.

My one word for the coming year is SIMPLIFY.

"Simplify" defines my entire life's focus right now. All my previous "resolutions" really could be summed up into this one word.

1) Simplify- don't overeat, savor each bite.
2) Simplify- don't feel the need to run every day, walk instead.
3) Simplify- don't go crazy with all the things I "should" be teaching my children to prepare them for school, just BE with them. Love them. Meet them where they are at. Enjoy every moment.
4) Simplify- spend less, appreciate what I have.
5) Simplify- be content with not having a perfectly decorated, or even clean, home- decorating isn't something I really care much about and I can tend to be obsessive about cleaning- so much that it takes me away from my children. Not ok.
6) Simplify- less time on electronics, more time in the Word.
7) Simplify- eat foods closer to the source, severely limit chemicals/preservatives/processed foods
8) Simplify- write more letters (not emails), read more books (not online articles)
9) Simplify- give more, attain less.
10)Simplify- love people, not things.
11)Simplify- THANK GOD in all things, all the time- BEFORE all else- and especially before complaining, whining, arguing, thinking unsavory thoughts.

I could go on and on and on. But, like I said- "Simplify" seems to be the theme.

What's your word?

Happy 2012, dear friends.

My Stocking Stuffers :)

2011-12-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

I have to admit- I have a little infatuation with Pottery Barn monogrammed kid's items. Particularly their stockings.

Love love love 'em.

I first fell in love when looking for a stocking for Will and saw their train version. I have a slight (other) obsession with anything train appliqued. I also had it in my mind that if I had two boys the first would have a train theme (in general) and the second would have firetrucks. I saw the train stocking and was sold.

Thus Will's first Christmas, I had to take a photo:

The thing was nearly bigger than Will himself :)

When we were trying to get pregnant with Alex, it happened to be the fall and the PB Christmas catalog landed in my mailbox. At the time it was taking longer than expected to get pregnant and I was a bit discouraged. I scanned the pages, heading straight for the stocking section, sad that I probably wouldn't be putting up a second that year.

BUT Guess what I saw? A fire truck stocking. Uh-huh.

And guess what I did? I bought it.

Yep. No baby in utero, not even knowing if it would be a boy for crying out loud. And the craziest part? I had "Alex" stitched into the top. I know- a little ambitious. I just knew that stocking was meant for our family and knew that, once it arrived, it would give me hope for what was to come (praying that the day would come when I could use it). We had our two boy's names picked out even before Will was born so I knew that IF I got pregnant and IF it was a boy- we would name him Alex.

I'm a nut job sometimes. But I'd like to think I'm just a romantic dreamer :)

I ordered the stocking and prayed that it would 1) Come by December and 2) That once we received it I would find out I was pregnant.

THe stocking didn't come as soon as I thought. I ordered it in late October and it didn't arrive the entire month of November. Finally, on Nov. 30th I had assumed it was lost in the mail and took it as a sign that it wasn't coming. I was not going to be pregnant in 2010.

Until 5pm arrived later that day.

The mailman came to the door, rang, and delivered my coveted stocking. I was floored. It came before December! (#1, you recall, on my "hope" list). Now there was only #2 to think about: becoming pregnant. I was actually supposed to test the next morning. However I KNEW that since the stocking had arrived I must be carrying it's owner.

I had a feeling.

The next morning I tested positive.

My little Alex was growing within and he had a stocking awaiting his arrival :) I used the stocking to tell Curt we were pregnant (wrapped it up and gave it to him as an early Christmas gift- you can imagine his shock that it was actually stitched with our boy's name already- ha). But sure enough, it's owner entered our family on August 9 of this year and here he is with his little Christmas gift:

Love how God works things out like that.

My little miracle and his paired stocking.
What's sweeter than that?

However, Curt told me next time I should probably wait until we are actually pregnant to order one and since we don't have a third name picked out, I think I'll go with his request :)

Merry Christmas!

Quieting Myself

2011-12-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

This post is going to be a bit sporadic but bear (bare?) with me. Have had a lot on my mind recently but it all (kind of) blends together to create a cohesive whole. I'll attempt to bring myself back to college paper-writing and "pull it all together" somehow, promise. :)

Lately I've been really dwelling on quieting myself, on being less, doing less, consuming less and thus in turn, giving more of myself to God, my family, friends, and others. It's always a natural, ingrained response this time of year- when the weather becomes colder, the season of rebirth sets in, and Christ is impressed upon our hearts.

However it is also SO easy to get caught up in the OTHER side of the season- the consuming, the wanting, the (sometimes) loneliness, the cold, the stress, the overindulgence, the mass-hysteria of buying, spending, eating, and traveling. It's easy to lose sight of the former and fall headfirst into the madness.

I recently read a quote (from who knows where) that said, "Gratitude turns what we have into enough." My thoughts have camped here lately. Whenever I fall into even an iota of want.buy.need.stress. I remember this simple phrase and feel an instant calm.

I am thankful. I have all I need. I am not in want. I am BLESSED.

It's difficult though, as someone whose love language is gift-giving, I enjoy buying and giving gifts to anyone and everyone- from my sons to the mailman. I just enjoy it. Thus- if it's a love language, is it really bad? No. But it can become too much and I've had to refocus my mind on what's really important- buying a gift for a friend or just spending time with that same friend? Or how about praying for (or with) that friend? When I think in these terms the tangible gift seems meaningless. It is meaningless.

I'm not out to be the scrooge here, giving gifts is a JOY. I love it. Every year I spend too much doing it because it brings me unending happiness to see others enjoy something I spent time picking out or making. I'm not big on receiving gifts- unless I know that the other person put ample time and thought into something that would really speak to MY heart, but receiving gifts just to have them? Ridiculous. Save your money! It's silly. Really.

This year, my goal is to either 1) Make the gift, 2) Buy the gift from either a local vendor or Etsy artisan- thus buying within my own country/state and supporting people rather than corporations, or 3) Buying a gift that gives back in some way (i.e. Tom's shoes, Gospel for Asia catalog). But other than that- I'm really focusing simply on giving of myself more. Being with others, praying for others, serving in whatever capacity I am able. For me, this often means cooking/baking for various events, functions, people. I adore this act of service and thus my stove has rarely been turned off these past few weeks. That too, is another joy of mine.

However the more I "do" the more crazed I become so, again, I've been turning to quieting myself. On turning the TV off, walking away from the computer (ha- like I'm doing right now :)), on turning my phone on silent. In this way I'm making myself MORE available than ever before. More available to my husband, to my children, more available to God (and less available to Pinterest, Facebook, blog-reading, t.v. shows, texting). My focus has been on spending time with my boys, getting in the Word, journaling, lighting a candle and turning on Christmas music, partaking in a on filling my homes with aromas of cinnamon, bread, and roasts and "unplugging" myself from the hysteria.

There are far too many distractions this time of year and the more involved I become in them, the further away I am pulled from what truly matters.

I want to be quieted. I long to be silenced. I really just want to rest. in. the. waiting.

I also want my children to be at peace, content with what they have- a loving family and a great God. A God who humbled Himself fully by becoming the littlest of creatures, a child, a baby. I pray that my children seek the calm of the season, anxious not for getting mere things, but for receiving the very thing their lives hinge upon: Their Savior.

I'm not trying to sound churchy here. Really. I've been continually dwelling on this concept these past few weeks. I need to get my head around it. Because when you read about women pepper-spraying each other over a $2 waffle iron on Black Friday something is amiss- to put it VERY mildly. When did we become so self-focused? When did the Advent season become about such superficiality?

When did we lose our sense of peace, contentment, and humble silence? When will we be slapped back into reality that IT. ISN'T. ABOUT. US.? It never has been, never will be.

I'm so tired of the way we've become. So fed up with selfish ambition and greed, with the attitude of WANT. GET. MINE. ME.

Come Lord Jesus. I find myself speaking this over and over and over to myself daily. When I hear of something ridiculous or when I, gasp, want something I don't need that's entirely impractical (and let's be honest, too much money!).

Come Lord Jesus. Where are you? Let me rest here, now, with You. Let my children always be comforted only by You. Let my contentment and satisfaction come only from You.

Let my mind be brought back to a place of rest, of eager anticipation for Your Coming.

Advent season is here. Have you noticed? Have you even remembered? I find myself forgetting. But it's here. Christ is here in all of this. He never left. He's waiting.

Stop thinking of myself. Just STOP.

Think of Him. He is coming. Am I ready?

Am I?

Are you?

[Quieting myself]

A few new ones...

2011-11-06T05:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't had any lengthy posts for a while- all I have time for at this point is to share some photos! That, and I've been focusing more on my food blog since it's the time of year to break out the oven mitts. Love love love the fall/early winter months- so much family, food, and fellowship.

Here are a few fun recent photos:

Will's favorite thing to do: Join Alex in bed in the mornings!

Rocking Tummy Time:

Sweet Big Boy:

Trick or Treat!

Will giving Alex "hugs":

Tough guys:

Loving each moment...

2 months (2 weeks ago- ha)

2011-10-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

The littlest man is growing up! Here are a few newer shots, as well as some comparable photos of Will at the same age. So fun to see them grow!

Alex at 2 months:

Will at 2 months:

Alex's phenomenal pouty face. Get's me every time:

Will a bit happier at 2 months :)

Recent one of Will:

Alex in his costume- a caterpillar!

Love these little men so much!

Yes. And AMEN, and all that.

2011-10-03T05:18:00.001-07:00

I read THIS today and yelled a hearty AMEN from my computer desk.

Okay, I more like whispered it since my kiddies are still sleeping but you get the idea. This lady is one of my greatest friends but MAN does she speak truth. And stuff that I often think but never have the guts to say (I just write about it online, which is an entirely different subject in itself- hello "social" networks creating anti-social beings- ha).

Read it and, if you are a woman, you'll be "amen-ing" as well :)

And...PS, after I read the post I checked my gmail. The first new email I had? An offer on free personalized cell phone cases. I mean, really- who BUYS that?

Come, Lord Jesus.

I can't handle the crazy, self-absorbed, superficiality of this world much longer...

And yet another...

2011-09-27T06:09:00.001-07:00

Goodness. Yet another of my favorite bloggers wrote a similar post today.

Read HERE.

I am constantly amazed (but shouldn't be!) that we women all struggle with the very same things, yet fail (often) to share these struggles with others.

Come on, friends- spill it!

:)

I am not alone in this...

2011-09-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

After my previous post, I came across two more nearly identical posts from two completely different women. Cuh-razy? I think not! We women struggle with the exact. same. issues. How I find this a concept to marvel at I've no idea. It's obviously the way we women were wired, for REAL, deep, soul-fulfilling relationships. Not those based entirely on gossip, slander, or superficial discussion but the kind that dive head-first into the deeper issues.

Pain.
Loneliness.
Pride.
Suffering.
Jealousy.
Anger.
Dishonorable thoughts.
Sadness.
Envy.
Love.
Sinful thoughts.
Longing.
Disbelief.

The list is endless. These relationships are the comfortable, drop-in-unannounced-stay-as-long-as-you-like kind. You leave each meeting satisfied, whole, nearly complete and fulfilled having a sister in Christ.

Yep.

And two other women chose to write about this issue, just as I did.

Read Elizabeth's account HERE.
Read Nicole's account HERE.

Amazing, really.

I am not alone in this...

PS- Angie Smith's new book, What Women Fear, also has an ENTIRE chapter dedicated to this issue. And I am loving every page (as well as the other chapters!). I highly recommend it.

One month later...

2011-09-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

Here's my little man! Big boy already, nearly 10 lbs and growing like a weed.

Here's a bit of what he's doing right now:

- Eats every 3 hours or so

- Only wakes up once/night. I feed him around 9ish, play a bit, then he goes down and generally will sleep until around 3am. I feed again and he gets up around 8am! I'm liking this habit...

- He generally only cries when he's in need of something, though he's much more of a cuddlebug than Will was and LOVES to snuggle/be held. I'm not complaining- I love it too :)

- Will adores him. He (Will) is currently teaching Alex his bodyparts (nose, ears, head, knees, ha), it's adorable. When Will wakes up in the morning he first does an inventory of all his stuffed animals, then asks, "Where's Owex??! Want to give him a kiss." I love it- and am relishing it as I know this wont last forever!

- Alex has already been to his first football game (Aplington-Parkersburg vs. West Marshall), on his first trip (to Chicago for a wedding), his first visit to the apple orchard, and many others. He's an absolute joy and we are loving every moment!

Just for fun, I thought I'd include pics of both Will and Alex at one month- amazing the similarities!

Will, one month old:

Alex, one month old:

Excited for month number 2!

a girl unlike the rest

2011-09-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

I've got to be honest, I've always prayed for boys.

Not that having a girl would be a bad thing- it would be wonderful. However I know what it's like to be a female and having one of my own would terrify me. I'm convinced that's why God has decided to give me boys so far...I'm just not ready for the brave task of raising a girl yet. If He thinks I'm ready in the future, He will certainly bless us with one.

Growing up, I always disliked being a girl (not that I had ANY desire whatsoever to be a boy). I was slightly chubby, had awful skin, couldn't afford name brand clothes, and had what most would consider a "dyfunctional" family (I hate that word, by the way!)- thus, I was an outsider.

And girls can be mean.

I always wanted a close friend, a BEST friend. "Best" friends seem to be the key to elementary school girl relationships, don't they? Do you remember having a BFF, someone you split a charm necklace with? Someone who stayed at your house every other weekend (and on the other weekends you stayed at theirs). Someone who knew all your secrets, split Oreos with you, and who would indulge in endless conversations about who the cutest boy was?

I didn't have that. OH but I wanted it.

I had this awful habit of pushing people away. I think it was self-preservation. I didn't want people to get too close because if they did they would discover my home life, my struggles, the things I didn't want others to know. But secretly- I was always hoping someone would push through my facade and not CARE about those things. They would like me for me, ugly inner scars and all.

But unfortunately, many girls (especially elementary and junior high girls!) don't operate that way. It's all about how you look, what you have, who your family is, and how outgoing you are.

All things I absolutely did not possess.

So what did I do? I made friends with the guys, of course! They never seemed to care what I looked like or where I came from. It was all about how well I could throw a football, how fast I could run, if I had enough guts to jump off the roof- all things I COULD do (and loved- ha!). Yes, I had many really good guy friends.

Girl friends? Not so much.

And then I moved, often. I went to two different elementary schools, two different junior highs, and two different high schools. I was never in one place long enough to cultivate a close friendship. And by the time you reach a certain age, most girls have already had a "bestie" for quite a while.

After the final move in high school (to Texas from Iowa), I gave up my attempts at a close friend. I found God and thus didn't feel the need to be close to anyone else. I also had lost hope in really finding someone I could connect with- I didn't seem worth the effort. My Dad saw my pathetic loneliness (checking out a million library books and retreating to my room for days) and forced me to go to our church youth group. I walked in on that first night, scared. out. of. my. mind. and noticed the room was JAMMED with people.

Okay. Stop right here.

Introverts do NOT do well in large groups. I felt like my skin was crawling and I couldn't jump out of it fast enough. I wanted to run away as fast as possible- until a certain youth pastor (ahem, Brian Bessey!) in his BOOMING voice, yelled, "HEY! You have a Hawkeye sweatshirt on! I'm from Nebraska! SWEET!" and gave me the tighest, biggest, cushiest hug I've ever received (Bri has got to be at least 6'5"- he's akin to a very tall teddy bear) and I immediately let out the breath I didn't know I'd been holding.

Over the next year and a half I grew close to Brian and his wife Sarah, particularly the latter. Sarah was like me in every way; she had grown up a disgruntled youth, painfully introvert, with a deep love of literature (literature as escapism), and a yearning for deep relationships. She embraced me. I'd never embraced such a deep friendship before that. I never knew it could exist. Sarah enabled me to become someone I didn't know I was capable of becoming.

She cracked me wide open.

Fast forward a few years to spring semester, my sophomore year of college. I'd chosen to go back to my home state and attend the University of Iowa. However my first year was a bust. I was incredibly lonely. I'd tried to get involved in the campus ministry but (again) as someone who thrives in groups of three or less, the massive communal worship terrified me. Especially not knowing a soul in the room.

I was able to get connected with a "growth group" and that helped a bit- but by the end of the year I was ready to call it quits and leave the massive university for a small, more intimate institution.

However one of my guy friends (how I always find good guy friends I haven't a clue! Again- guys always seem easier to get along with) introduced me to a few people, who in turn invited me to attend a summer gathering. I did so, and ended up meeting my future husband but that's an entirely different story for another day! Ha.

Anyway, I digress.

I was able to meet a great group of people of whom I got connected with immediately. However, I found (again) that the guys were really easy to get along with and the women were, well, not so much. I felt ostracized, alone, judged, ridiculed, and frowned upon.

Why? Who knows. I just knew I didn't fit and it hurt (like the million other times in my life). I was so. stinking. tired. of being hurt by women. Of being looked at funny, gossiped about, taunted, of hypocrisy.

I prayed one night for God to just give me ONE hope. One relationship with one female that would blow the rest out of the water. A girl that would give me hope for the whole of womankind (I'm not trying to sound melodramatic, by this point I was SO sick of women and girl drama I could have become a nun and moved to Timbuktu).

And then I met Randi.

One evening in late spring, my then boyfriend (now husband) and I walked to his dorm after supper. We saw a bunch of our friends playing basketball at the courts just outside his place and decided to hang out. I, of course, being my shy self, decided to sit on the sidelines and watch, right next to another girl who was also sitting on the concrete wall. I knew who she was, we traveled in the same circle but had never really talked to each other. I had pretty much written her off as just like all the others- except this evening I noticed something.

She looked sad. So sad. Her eyes said it all.

I don't remember who said hi first or how the conversation began but we said our greetings and somehow began to actually have a conversation. The conversation quickly turned from typical (How are you? Where do you live? What's your major?) to deep. Randi immediately asked "What is God teaching you this week?"

This girl didn't mince words. And oddly, unlike many other girls I'd met that year- her question didn't come off as Christiany. She genuinely wanted to know. I told her He was teaching me to overcome my past, and to not fear relationships. She took it in, nodding, and said, "What about your past do you need to overcome?".

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS GIRL and she was diving head first into my life. But her demeanor, her genuine concern and piercing eyes told me she cared. She truly wanted to know. So I spilled my guts. She listened to every word.

I then asked what God was teaching her and she said, "to live through the pain." I decided to go for it, just like she did, and dive head first. "What pain is that?" She revealed a recent event that had shook her to the core.

She had lost her best friend a mere month before to suicide.

As she told me the story, her eyes shed the biggest tears I've ever seen, tears I now know others have deemed "Randi's big crocodile tears" :). She barely knew me and she was entrusting me with the deep cobwebs of her heart. I'm tearing up now just remembering her brokenness. She shared every feeling she'd been having over the past month, every thought, every painful memory.

I just sat there, enamored. She was so genuine. So pure. So completely unashamed of her struggles and so OKAY with being real with a complete stranger. But then, after knowing her a mere 20 minutes, I no longer felt like a complete stranger.

I felt like I had known her my whole life.

I entered that basketball court completely lonely, broken, and hopeless- and left with a dearly beloved friend. God answered my prayers and they came in the form of a sweet girl from the 'burbs of Chicago. She totally turned my typical opinion of girls on it's head. She was in no way dramatic, in no way fake or judgmental. She, like Sarah, cracked me open.

I had a renewed sense of hope in people, particularly women.

Since that day sophomore year, Randi and I have grown even closer. I shocked many people when, a mere year after our first conversation, I asked Randi to be the maid of honor at my wedding. I had a few others in mind but, quite frankly, it was a no-brainer. After graduation, we went our separate ways (she went back to Chicago to become a nurse and I stayed in Iowa) but would call and email each other regularly to chat and discuss what God was teaching us during each season. We met halfway between our two houses (in nowhere Illinois at a Subway, nonetheless!) just to talk for an hour or two. When I had my first child Randi was one of the first people to call, and a few months later came to visit and hold him. When I became pregnant with my second, Randi was one of the first people to offer to come stay with us immediately after birth (she even offered to deliver him, being a peds nurse!), and last December when Randi got engaged to her amazing man Tyler, she called me one wintry evening and asked me to stand alongside her on her wedding day.

I cried. I admit it.

Not because she asked, but because God had given me that one thing I'd always hoped for- someone who defied typical. Someone who cared enough to dive headfirst. Someone who, regardless of all her million other deep friendships, wanted me (of all people) to represent a part of her life on her wedding day. I'd always felt honored to be her friend and never expected anything more than that. But this was so much more.

Last Sunday I witnessed a wedding unlike any other.

I stood alongside a woman who embodies all I ever hope to be, and (if God blesses me with one) all I could ever dream that my future daughter will become. I took part in a beautiful ceremony celebrating the covenant of two incredible people, and though I don't know Tyler as well as Randi- he must blow all other men out of the water to have caught her eye.

Ran, you are an amazing Godly woman. I was entirely honored to be a part of your day and look forward to all the prayers I'm blessed to send up on behalf of your future. I cannot wait to see where God is taking you and what He will teach you in this new season of your life.

I love you! And YOU KNOW I don't say that easily :)

Thanks for being real, honest, genuine, and more importantly- thanks for breaking me.

Muah! Happy honeymoon!

PS- Ran, I wanted to write this to you in a letter Sunday night but the gift shop in the Westin had uber-cheesy cards! This'll have to do :)

Here are a few of my favs "over the years":

The bride getting ready:

Ran's Big Day!

Randi's signature look:

Our boonies adventure:

Weird:

Nice:

Will meeting his Godmother (and sporting an awesome onesie):

One of my favs of two of my favs:

Ran and I:

Look Alikes

2011-09-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

As the mother of these two handsome boys I can really see the difference in them...until I look at old photos of Will and am AMAZED at how much they look alike! Alex, however, resembles more of a Kampman (I think) than Will- but I'll let you decide :)

Will, moments old:

Alex, moments old:

Will:

Alex:

Will's first sponge bath:

Alex's first sponge bath:

Will, 1 month old:

Alex, 2 weeks old:

Precious little Will sleeping, 1 month old:

Alex sleeping, 1 week old:

Alex, 2 weeks old:

Will, 2 weeks old:

What do you think? Look alikes? Not so much? I'm interested to hear...

Introducing Alexander Robert !

2011-08-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

Well, little did I know that my former (rather impatient) post would be the last one of the pregnancy. I can't believe it was jut over a week ago I was lamenting the time spent growing a baby- and only hours away from meeting the little man himself.

But so he came, as they tend to do :)
Nobody, to date, has been pregnant forever. At least that's what I kept telling myself!

I figure you all might be interested in how it went down, and I must say- it was a rather remarkable (ridiculously fast) labor. Truly. My brain is still in a whirlwind.

Tuesday August 9.

During the wee hours of the morning I was feeling quite a bit of pressure "down there", however no contractions. Being the antsy person that I am- I called my doc first thing in the morning, unable to wait until the next day for my scheduled prenatal check-up. Thankfully, I got right in (this NEVER happens with my particular OB- she has loads of clients and little time for "drop-ins". I knew it was meant to be.

10am- Dropped off Will at my friend Jen's house. What a blessing she is! I frantically called her at last minute to watch Will and she happily consented. Thank you, Jen!

10:30am- Appointment. My doc did the normal prenatal routine: an internal (I was still 4cm and 70% effaced- much to my disappointment), measured my stomach, and listened to the heartbeat. The heartbeat, however, seemed to alarm her. She said it was hovering around 100bpm, far too low. She decided to send me over to the hospital for a non-stress test. I was a bit worried but not overly so and called Curt to join me.

12pm- Arrived at the hospital and got hooked up to the machines. For those who aren't aware, a non-stress test simply monitors the baby's heartrate for an hour, as well as any possible contractions you may be having. I got strapped in and set up camp. Curt and I watched the machine, noticing the heartrate was completely normal (around 140bpm the entire hour, enter collective sigh of relief) but noticed I was apparently having regular contractions every 10 minutes or so. I was surprised, I couldn't feel anything except what seemed like gas. I'm convinced most things felt in utero are akin to gas. Ha.

Non-stress test:

1:20pm- We left the hospital. Curt went back to work and I picked up Will. However I was feeling the contractions ever-so-slightly by this time and they were still every 10 min. I began to wonder if this was the real deal but wasn't about to get my hopes up.

2pm- Will and I went home. I decided we should make cookie dough as a fun activity just in case these were our last few hours as "the two of us". However, mid-prep the contractions began to grow quickly stronger. My aunt from nearby Des Moines, who was one of those on our "toddler drop off" list, just so happened to be in town shopping and had offered earlier to take Will overnight in the event that I might go into labor. I told her "no" originally, totally not anticipating any action, but once the cookie dough contractions came on I quickly called her back.

Making cookie dough:

3pm- My aunt promptly came to get Will. SO SO thankful for this! It seems that immediately as she drove away my contractions progressed in a downward spiral.

4pm- I called Curt and told him I thought this was the real thing, as I was beginning to have digestive issues (the first major labor symptom I had with Will). He said he'd be right home. I began timing the contractions- they were around 8min apart and getting stronger by the minute.

4:30pm- Curt arrived home and asked how much time I thought we had. I told him we had a while yet (ha!). My thought process was recalling Will's labor- of which I spent 12 hours at home slowly timing my contractions until they were 3 min apart then drove to the hospital. Some part of me was still unconvinced this was the real thing because it just didn't seem typical.

Leave it to my body to go against the grain.

Because my puny little mind thought I had ample time I decided to bake off those cookies to have something for people who visited us in the hospital. Yeah. Cuh-razy. I wasn't in my right mind.

5:30pm- I heated the oven while Curt showered and gathered his things together. He came out of the bathroom and stared at me. "What are you doing??" looking at me like I was batty. I was. "Baking cookies." I managed to say between grinding teeth (at this point my contractions were 5-7min apart. I stuck the pans in the oven and set the timer to 12 min. After 10 min my contractions were down to 3-4min and I could barely stand or breathe through them. Curt calmly said, "You are NOT baking that final pan. We are leaving. NOW."

Baking while contracting:

I wanted to be willful and tell him HE was crazy but I realized he was probably right. We quickly got our things and got in the car.

Leaving for the hospital:

6:15pm- Arrived at the hospital. We went to the Labor and Delivery desk. Nobody was there. In the three room surrounding the desk we could hear (literally) three women in the final stages of labor, hollering and screaming and pushing. It was a little unnerving. One room erupted in whooping and laughing, we heard "It's a BOY!!!". Curt was getting irritated that nobody was helping us- at this point my contractions were 2-3 min apart and PAINFUL. Alex was pushing on my spine causing incredibly intense back labor. I saw a bell on the desk and slammed my hand down on it. A nurse ran out of one of the rooms, looked at me and asked if I needed something.

Umm, yes. I am in LABOR.

Apparently I didn't "look" like I was. What, do tell, does that "look" like exactly? Hmm. She asked how close my contractions were and I said 3min apart. She looked at me like I was fibbing and ushered me into a room, hooked me up to yet another monitor and said she'd be right back. RIGHT BACK. Fifteen minutes later Dr. Adams finally came in, looked at the screen and immediately checked me.

I was 8cm. Thank you nurse for all your help.

Contracting w/nobody around:

6:50pm-Dr. Adams quickly got a few nurses to monitor my status, and told me once I felt the urge to bear down to push the call button. She asked if I needed anything for pain. I said no. Thankfully my water hadn't yet broken so the contractions weren't as horrible as they could have been (but don't get me wrong- they were awful). Adams left and the oh-so-helpful nurse quickly apologized.

I got on all fours and continued to labor through the contractions. The all-fours position really assists in back labor and helped ease the intense pain on my spine. However I began to feel the "urge" and called the doc back in. She quickly arrived, checked me, and sure enough was at 10. The crew prepared the bright lights and fancy instruments and I geared up to go.

Curt was fabulous through it all. Got on the floor with me, breathed alongside me, encouraged me when I needed it and shut up when I gave him "the look". I couldn't have asked for a better man by my side :)

7pm- Dr. Adams broke my water. Can I just say this is the most bizarre feeling? I don't want to go into details, if you been through it YOU KNOW. Warm water gushing out of you for a full 30 seconds. Weirdest feeling ever. And the worse part is knowing that those contractions you've been having are going to get WAY STINKING WORSE in a matter of seconds. Ugh.

I had two INCREDIBLY UNBEARABLE contractions, pulling out the "hee-hee-who" breathing (which I hate- I feel like a goober doing it and am much more comfortable with long, deep breaths) and pushed three times.

7:10pm- Alexander Robert arrived, wailing like a babe :) 6lbs, 12oz, 19.5in, and the spitting image of his big bro.

My second little miracle.

Praise God for such a quick, relatively easy labor! But even more so, thank you Lord for a healthy baby boy. All my dreams were met, my prayers answered, my heart full.

I couldn't have asked or hoped for anything more precious and perfect.

And now I get to spend my days enjoying these two darling little men:

I am forever grateful.

39 weeks and counting...

2011-08-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

So- apparently my "plan" was a no-go. Ha. I had hoped to go into labor Thursday night and have this little one in my arms by Friday morning but alas, no such luck! Not God's timing. I suppose I should be content knowing it wasn't the "right" time but I have to be honest, I'm frustrated :) It's ok and good for me (yadda, yadda, yadda) but really was hoping to have the baby on a Thursday or Friday so that Will could be completely taken care of at his grandparents for the weekend without Curt having to shuttle him from one place to the other (if we went into labor during the week, this would be the case in order to enable Curt to stay at the hospital with me most of the time), plus it's just a little easier on the nerves to know that he is with family, in one place the entire time.

Guess we'll just have to go with the flow. Which is SO not my personality. Thank you, Lord for forcing me into this (really) because it goes against every little nerve ending for me to be "content" in knowing that everything will be fine. As my super-chill husband said yesterday, "Don't worry, it will all work out," while eating cereal and watching T.V. (apparently unfazed by any of the impending circumstances), to which I replied, "Thank you for THAT, you aren't the one making arrangements or giving birth!" (I regreat to admit) with much sarcasm. Yes, I can be ugly. Are you shocked? :)

So anyway- no baby yet. Though after my doc appointment on Thursday I was officially 4cm dilated and 70% effaced (yeah- did you catch that?). The baby should be falling out by now, right???! Nope. No contractions whatsoever, not even Braxton Hicks. Nothing. Just a mellow baby hanging out in it's comfy little home without a care in the world. I supposed I can't blame him/her.

Bleh.

SOON. Soon. Please SOON, Lord?!!

Until then...I'll be attempting to relax. And failing.

Yet another photo...

2011-08-04T05:17:00.000-07:00

Aaaaand, here's the belly at nearly 39 weeks:

Quite obviously the baby is low. I'm also feeling a lot of pressure/head movement/twingey sporatic contractions- but nothing consistent or even slightly painful. This pregnancy is shaping up to be very similar to Will's- pretty laid back, not a lot of action until labor itself. So we'll see! If the labor goes as well as Will's did, I will be a happy mama indeed.

This morning I will have my 39 week appointment with another dilation check. Hopefully everything is continuing to progress and this babe will be in my arms (and not my belly) soonish!

We'll keep you posted...

His Kingdom Come

2011-08-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

Ahh sweet toddler naptime.

Isn't it bliss?

I adore my son but there is nothing more sacred than the midday rest period. A time for him to recoup his energy (though does he really NEED to? He seems so abundantly full of it...) and for me to dwell in the peace of a quiet home. It's beautiful.

What do I do during that time?

Oh let me count the ways. My most favorite indulgences are:

1. Clean and tidy the house- it is hard for me to concentrate if things are in disarray.
2. Rest myself- I generally take a 45 min nap. It's lovely. I highly recommend it.
3. Bake up something chocolatey- lately it has been brownies or monster cookies.
4. Make a cuppa green tea or brew it over ice.
5. Sit at my computer desk and immediately head to Anne Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience- I'll read whatever ponderings she has for the day then let her blog's background music be my meditation as I write, read other blogs, check email, Facebook, or Pinterest.
6. Other times I will let Anne's music serenade me through Bible study, prayer, or a library book.
7. Indulge in a brownie or two :)
8. Quietly look around at my home, loving its simplicity and quaintness, while realizing that this is where my little family dwells, makes memories, laughs, cries, loves, and enjoys one another. Where we pray for others, read books to each other, open God's Word together, disagree with lively banter, invite others in, celebrate seasons, break bread together...
8. Rest in the quiet of knowing that this time is precious.

Today I read my Kindred Spirit's Blog and was blessed by these words:

And I think that the Kingdom is every good and perfect moment in our life serving as a taste, just a small taste of what God truly intended. It's making your tinies laugh. It's sleeping babes curled into their mother's breast and the heft of holding another soul. It's silent nights of snow and cold water in your throat on a hot day. It's wisdom and beauty, peace, love and joy and then it's also good coffee and real food, morning sun and handmade quilts. It's the renewal of morning and the intimacy of night.

I just love her masterful way with words. She puts what I often think into such perfect prose. It is true- God's Kingdom realized is not always in the major moments of life (though they too are certainly glimpses into His great design- giving birth to a child, for example) but rather in the small moments. The savored minutes that seem to pass by in a second but are as abundant as "seconds" themselves. We simply need to recognize them.

What are your "moments" today, your tiny tastes of Kingdom come?

Just wondering :)

38 weeks

2011-07-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well, we're almost there :)

I know I've said this a million times but I truly can't believe it's almost here. I've been waiting to meet this little one for so long! I think 9 months is just about perfect- long enough to give you time to grow a baby, process the change, and gather all the needed supplies. However the final days always seem like the wait is LONG. ENOUGH. ALREADY.

I hit that point last night.

Yesterday we cleaned the whole house, moved furniture around in the living room (not necessary for the baby-in-coming, but rather because I decided it needed to be done- why is it that a simple furniture shift always makes me love & appreciate my house again in a new-and-exciting way???), bulked up the diaper bag/changing table/closet with baby goods, and made a few more meals/bread items to store in the deep-freeze.

I ended the day completely satisfied, exhilarated, and ready to give birth. Seriously- I had so much energy I could have gone into labor right then. But alas, it wasn't God's time. Then, this morning, I was again refreshed with contentment in knowing this little one is coming when s/he is good and ready (and obviously when God decides s/he's ready). I am thankful for each additional day because it means the baby is growing and gaining health. I am thankful because I get a few more days as a family of three- enjoying my only child a few hours longer and resting in the peace of a full night's sleep and extra time on my hands.

It's hard to be patient but OH so good for me.

So I'll keep waiting!

In technical news, I had my 37 week doc appointment last Monday and am currently now at 3cm and 20% effaced. Slow and steadily getting to the goal. Glad it's progressing naturally. My next appointment is this coming Thursday, I'll be nearly 39 weeks. In my perfect world I will have the appointment, go into labor that afternoon and call my mother & father in law so they'll be prepared to come stay with the little man. I will labor through the night slowly and steadily, and end up heading to the hospital later that night or the next morning, giving birth sometime Friday morning, then have Will come visit, grandparents in tow, soon after.

Sound a little too type-A-crazy-planned? I don't think so. Okay, maybe a little :) However we prayed diligently that Will would arrive Tuesday May 5th (it was a good day at the time, and my doc was on-call that morning) and guess who came right on schedule? Sure enough, he did.

Our God is a big God. I'm really praying like the persistent widow on this one. However, again, if it doesn't happen this way- I'll know it wasn't the right time! So thankful all things happen when and how they should.

We'd love it though if you would pray with us- more importantly for a healthy baby, quick and natural delivery, and for Will to be well-taken care of while we are at the hospital (this issue is causing me a lot of stress at the moment!).

Thanks, friends. We will keep you posted!

Until then, here is my 37 week shot (a week ago):

Love this

2011-07-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

Just read this post from one of my favorite blogs, Passionate Homemaking.

I feel God really placed it in my lap at a much-needed time!

So thankful for this season in preparing for the birth of another child. My anxious heart has felt a sense of calm and peace in the waiting. It seems that the entire nine months have flown by much too fast but these final few have been slow, steady, and relaxing. I am enjoying each and every moment with my son, knowing that these are his final days as an "only child". I've been resting in the comfort of scripture when my mind runs amok with "what ifs" regarding the labor, delivery, health, and safety of this baby.

Peace.

Calm.

Silence.

Prayer.

These have been my places of solace in the past week and I will continue to rest in them each day until the arrival of our second little one.

Thank you, Lord for this season of waiting.
Thank you for all that I have been given and all that is to come.
Thank you for this beautiful thing called Motherhood.

36 weeks

2011-07-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

Here's the 36 week shot!

We're in the homestretch now- only a few more weeks to go!

Though the photo doesn't seem to show it, I believe the baby has dropped. I no longer have shortness of breath from him/her being jammed up in my ribs, have been having LOTS of pressure and lower-abdominal head movement (why, oh WHY, do we make babies with such huge heads???), and quite a bit of sciatic pain. I've also been having some extremely random contractions (not Braxton Hicks) thus leading me to believe the end is near. I'm praying, though, the baby hangs in there a few weeks longer!

I'd like s/he to grow a bit more and further his/her lung development.

But so anxious to meet our little one!

Soon. Soon.

Pregnancy Update

2011-07-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

Man, where has the time gone??

I am currently 35 weeks, 6 days and cannot BELIEVE this pregnancy is almost over. It's a little baffling how quickly it's gone. I think I'm ready; I've thought everything through, purchased the goods, bought every paper product known to man (diapers, wipes, Tucks, pads- in every size- you know, all the fun stuff you get to use post-delivery, ha), organized the nursery, stocked my deep-freeze, washed clothes, prepped the toddler, etc, etc.

But am I ready? Never know until that day comes, I suppose.

A few exciting things have happened over the past few weeks since I've last written. The weekend of July 4th we were able to spend some quality time at Curt's parent's house with a few dear friends of ours, Roger and Sue Scheenstra. The Scheenstra family hosted us for 4.5 months in the arid bushland of East Kenya while I was pregnant with Will. We lived in a house on their compound while Curt assisted Roger in various tasks necessary to living in the particularly cruel climate. Curt, as a civil engineer, was able to help dig wells, design buildings, and weld various things. He loved the work! I, meanwhile, was a good ol' housewife :) Unfortunately, being pregnant at the time, I wasn't able to serve in the capacity I would have liked since there were quite a few diseases going around at the time (German measles and malaria- which are particularly deadly to pregnancy). However I devoted myself to prayer, cooking and cleaning, and assisting in the local health clinic when possible. Sue, a nurse, heads up the clinic and acted as my main OB while there. It was SO wonderful to see her on this side of the Atlantic and have her "check up" on baby #2! It felt like old times :)

Here's a photo of Sue checking the baby!

Roger, Sue, Me, and Curt

We were able to spend an evening chatting about all that is going on back in bushland and all the exciting things taking place in our lives here. What a blessing it was to see them again and hear about all our old friends in Kenya! Sunday we drove back home and spent a leisurely evening as a family, looking forward to the next day and Curt not having to work. We had a great holiday, taking in the 4th of July parade, a fun hike around our local reservoir, and later, the fireworks. Though Will wasn't too hot on the big bangs and loud noises :(

The Parade

Sweaty boy!

Hike around the reservoir

34.5 weeks preg!

Random balloon that happened to fly RIGHT over our house.

Like, inches.

Seriously- a little unnerving!

Will was absolutely terrified but now wants to watch hot air balloons on YouTube all the time.

Go figure.

Riding to the fireworks with friend, Caleb Washburn

Will did NOT like the fireworks!

But then fell asleep- ha.

In other news...

My 35 week appointment this past Monday was fairly routine. Had to have the typical Strep B test done, and measurements/heartbeat, etc. However my doc had me measuring a bit smaller than normal and thus wanted me to have an ultrasound (this same issue occurred during my pregnancy with Will and thus she wasn't concerned- I carry closer to my spine and thus often seem "smaller"). However she wanted to be certain so I headed over to get an ultrasound- not that I'm complaining, I love those things! Especially this late in the game.

Turns out, all is perfectly normal! I'm measuring small because the baby is cuddled up to my spine- awww. Everything looked great!

Here's a bit of the baby's hair :)

Nose/Lips:

A video of the profile!

So that's it- all is going great! Apparently I am dilated at 2cm and my doc thinks I'll go early and fast as my previous labor/delivery was 4 days early and relatively quick. I'm so thankful Will's pregnancy/labor/delivery went extremely well- I have nothing but wonderful memories and pray that this one will be similar- though only time will tell.

Please continue to pray for a 100% healthy baby, full Apgar rating, good labor/delivery with no drugs necessary (we prefer a natural birth, and were blessed to have one with Will but will do whatever is necessary to ensure the health and safety of our child), and that we are able to rejoice in a beautiful new baby come early August!

Thanks friends,

Abbie (Curt, Will, & Baby 2)

32 Weeks!

2011-06-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

Here are the 32 week shots:

So far, so good! Not much to report- thankfully :) This baby is still a mover and a shaker- way more active than Will ever was. His/her favorite food is the Thai Chicken Salad from Panera- every single time I have it (since s/he was about 16 weeks in utero) s/he goes nutty! Flips n' kicks and the like. Not sure what it is about it- maybe the spicy-ness? Hmm.

I'm measuring right on target with this one, another praise. With Will I always measured a bit small- so much so that I had to have a few unexpected ultrasounds in the third trimester to monitor his growth. Not so with this tyke- though I wouldn't mind another ultrasound or two! It's no fun going so long without seeing him/her. But in 8 short weeks (or less) s/he will be making an appearance- and that's slightly terrifying. This pregnancy has flown by. I can't imagine what future pregnancies will be like...eek.

Anyway- not much else to report! Just attempting to get all our house projects/organizing/deep-freeze stocking done before the little one arrives :)

Thanks for your prayers! We'll keep you posted....

Terribly Terrific Twos

2011-06-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

Life lately has been a little...challenging. To say the least. Why?

I have a two year old.

A two year old, very adventurous, excitable, oft-willful, extremely sweet, vibrant, curious little boy- who tests my patience in the best of ways and daily takes my pre-child, naive, youthfully idealistic persona and turns it on its head.

Idealistic? Me? Never. Ha...riiight.

I hate to admit it, but yes, I was idealistic. But to my defense Will was an incredibly easy baby.

My pregnancy with him was beyond uneventful (in a good way- no complications whatsoever), my labor was relatively quick and easy (10 hours at home, 3 hours in the hospital, 15 minutes of pushing, out he came- no epidural, no c-section, no forceps/vacuum/extreme tearing), he latched on immediately thus I had no problems nursing, he grew on target, had very few illnesses, slept through the night at 6 weeks, was always very content/affectionate/happy, would go to anyone, sleep anywhere, napped well, etc. Very few problems.

So, as you can see- I had reason enough to feel like I had this parenting thing down. I could handle it. No problemo. Ha.

Until two years old.

Often seasoned mothers would look at Will (as an infant/pre-toddler) and say, "Just you wait...this is the easy stage," or, "Enjoy this stage while you can, it's all downhill from here," or, "Your troubles have just begun." I always hated these comments (and still do) because I feel they are negative and unhelpful. They also assume the worst rather than give encouragement. Though, however unhelpful these comments may be they aren't far from the truth- the baby years are quite unchallenging in the greater parenting spectrum. There are some struggles but most of these you learn quickly (how to breast/bottle/table feed, how to get your child to sleep consistently, how to manage daily life with a kiddo, how to travel with a million extra accesories, etc)- there's a HUGE learning curve initially but none of these are abstract concepts. They don't challenge your psyche and leave you helpless.

Discipline? Entirely different story. This particular issue will bring you to your knees even if you aren't a praying individual.

So for those who are still enjoying the 0-24 month stages, keep enjoying! Seriously. Just know that things DO get more difficult (just keeping it real. really.) and it's good to discuss discipline methods with your husband now- as well as how you will love your child well and approach each challenging situation. I know my husband and I have differed on various discipline issues but the bottom line? We love our children. We want them to know it- regardless of how they might sometimes defy us. We want to address the heart behind the behavior and not the behavior itself.

How is this done? NO clue. So don't approach me with your deepest questions! Ha. Contrary to what some books might say, I don't think there is ONE way to discipline- but whatever way you choose, stick with it- consistency is key. There are many approaches, and not every one works with every child. Some choose to spank, some don't. Some utilize positive reinforcement, some choose behavior avoidance, some promote authoritative direction, etc, etc. All of these terms sound lofty and important when really I think it all boils down to love.

Funny, isn't it? That love thing.

You can do whatever you please regarding discipline but if you have not love, it's all worthless. Your child needs consistency and reassurance. He/she needs to know that regardless of behavior and being corrected/rebuked- he is LOVED.

In our home, the method goes like this: 1) Explain why he is being disciplined 2) Utilize our discipline method (timeout, spanking, rebuking, etc- whatever you promote) then 3) Give him a hug/kiss and tell him he is dearly loved. Does this work every time? No. Does he continue to act out? Yes. Is he perfect? NO. Is he human? Yes. Is he a sinner just like me? Absolutely.

We are all sinners, kids are no exception. I was in denial the first time Will disobeyed me. Those first moments, as a toddler, when he reaches out to touch something he isn't supposed to, all the while looking at me to see what I'll do. I thought, Where does this behavior COME from? I didn't teach him this! Well, duh. He's human. He's sinful. He was born that way. Nothin' a gonna change it.

Another thing? I hate to say it but if you have any willful, defiant, stubborn tendencies yourself your kids are BOUND to have a bit (or a lot) of that within themselves as well. I mean, they are your kids. It makes sense. In our family, I am HANDS DOWN the willful one. Understatement? I think not. Our children are bound to be like me (which is terrifying). I pray on bended knee they are all sweet, patient, compliant little dears like my husband but I'm certain God is hysterical at my pleas. Does God laugh at us? I think He does. In the nicest way possible.

Anyway.

Suffice to say- my child is two. He is absolutely lovely in every way. But he is two. Would I change him? NO. He is created exactly as he should be. Do I pray at times for his defiant behavior to soften? Of course but honestly, it isn't terrible. It's just out of my realm of understanding at this point. Is God teaching me how to love better? Every day. Always.

And I am thankful, so thankful for this gift of parenthood.

It's a daily art of taking a selfish soul and humbling the heck out of it.

Yes, that is parenthood. If you are new to it, welcome. If you have been here a while, bless you. If you are contemplating it, please know it isn't for the faint at heart. It requires prayer- lots of it. And continuous love. And lots of moments of helplessness. And did I mention prayer? :)

That is all for today.

Oh, one more thing. If you haven't yet experienced this stage of childhood with your kids- don't judge the mom at the grocery store when her child is throwing a fit for not getting to ride in the "car cart" (who invented those???) or the mom at the mall play area whose child yells "NO!" at her when she asks him to come, or the mom/dad who has to get up and leave from a social gathering because a kiddo is acting up. Trust me- you cannot know how this feels until it happens to you and I hate to say it, but it will. Just sayin' :)

Here's my sweet boy.

Love you, son.

28 weeks

2011-05-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

Here are the 28 week photos!

We are now entering third trimester- bring it on! Though this pregnancy is going way too fast...before I know it, this tyke will be in my arms. Crazy. Enjoying these last moments with my precious boy :) Here are a few recents of my sweet toddler! Can't believe he will be a big brother soon...

Love both of my kiddos so much!

Being a mom to these children is such a blessing.

Oops

2011-05-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Forgot to post a 24 week photo, here it is:

Right now I am currently 27 weeks and feeling great! Not much to report, just anxiously awaiting August when I get to meet this kiddo :) Being a mom is one of the most precious gifts I've ever been given- in fact, rivaling my salvation is probably is the best gift (aside from meeting and marrying my husband, of course). I can't imagine life without my son, and will immediately feel the same way once this one enters the world.

It's as if God had a plan for them to fit perfectly into my family or something :)

Loving every moment, even the tough ones. There's nothing greater than being continually perfected by grace and love.

Peace,
Abbie

Saw this today...

2011-04-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

...on a friend's facebook status and loved it. Such needed words to hear.

I thank you, Father, for all of my blessings. For dirty dishes because it means I have enough to eat, for dirty laundry because it means I have plenty of clothes to wear, for dirty diapers because it means I have healthy children, for messy rooms because it means our family has more than enough belongings. For (at times) disobedient children because it reminds me of my own sinful ways and Your loving forgiveness. Help me to remember these are really blessings & have a better attitude in being thankful for each one.

Love. Love. Love. And so good for all of us to hear...

Just for fun.

2011-04-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Thought this would be a fun little activity. I've been constantly going back and forth between pregnancy photos of this one and Will, trying to see whether I am growing the same, at the same intervals, carrying similarly, etc. So- why not compile the photos in a blog post?

So here goes!

I began taking pics earlier with this pregnancy so here's 4 weeks with Baby #2:

8 weeks (Baby #2)

12 weeks (with Will in Africa, gotta love the getup!):

12 weeks with Baby #2:

16 weeks with Will:

16 weeks with Baby #2:

20 weeks with Will (still in Africa!):

20 weeks with Baby #2 (and much less tan):

And while I have the photos up (only 22 weeks right now so no more pics yet of Baby #2) here are the rest of my preg shots with William.

24 weeks with Will:

28 weeks with Will:

32 weeks with Will:

36 weeks with Will:

YIKES 40 weeks with Will (the day before I went in labor!):

Man- that last one hurts the eyes (and memory) a little. Eek.

Here is a 4D of Will's sweet face at 26 weeks:

And one of Baby #2 at 20 weeks:

Can't wait to meet you, sweet child!

Until then, let the preg shots continue...

Word.

2011-03-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

After hearing Pastor Jeff's sermon on Sunday, I was moved to ask myself, "What am I doing to ensure that my son (and future children) will be contributers to society, rather than mere consumers?" Am I really doing anything? What sort of example can I set NOW?

Granted, my son is only just shy of 2 years old and not really capable of thinking beyond blocks, books, and bubbles but still- he is a little sponge. He loves to observe and DO. I'm amazed, really, at his ability to pick up on something and simply mimick it unprompted.

For example, he loves to load the dishwasher, bring pillows to me when I'm making the bed, put his books back on the bookshelf, put his toys in the toy box, sweep the floor, and wipe his highchair tray off-- all of these things I didn't cultivate. Never once did I tell him to do these tasks- he merely watches me do them day in, day out and wants to do 'em too. At first, it was really cute (okay, to be honest- it still is) but then I was terrified.

What else have I done that isn't so admirable that he has seen?

Yikes. I don't even want to think about it. Granted I haven't done anything others would deem terrible but what about simply buying things I want rather than need? What about getting angry at his Daddy or saying a not-so-nice comment in front of him? What about simply complaining? What about belittling him in front of others or saying something so simple as "he's entering the terrible twos?" Or commenting, "I am dreading the teenage years." Those the last two may seem like harmless comments but it's putting him into a box and saying he is going to conform to someone else's standard.

I don't want my son to fit an earthly standard.

I don't want him to consume without abandon and conform to the drone mentality of eat, sleep, play, buy, accumulate, work, buy, eat, sleep, work, buy, work, buy, work, buy, retire, consume, accumulate, die.

Morbid to think about- but really, like Jeff said, at some point you need to send you kids off into the world with a mindset of What can I do for others? How can I serve? How might I give rather than take?

It's something I don't think many people consider. It's more about our kids getting into college, getting a good degree, finding a well-paying job, earning money, traveling the world, becoming somebody, making something of themselves...

But what of others?

What if your child said, "Dad, I don't really think college is for me, I want to become a missionary to Africa". Or if your daughter said, "Mom, I've got the degree- but I want to go teach in the middle of Harlem, not in rural, safe, Iowa". What would you say then? What if your daughter wanted to marry the son who wanted to be a missionary to Africa? Would you support that decision?

Such hard things to think about- and yet, I still think many parents SAY they would be okay with it but once the situation arises they hope their child will choose the safe path of college, career, wife, kids, settling within a 2 hour radius of home, and coming to visit often- while earning money and going to church every Sunday.

Please don't get me wrong, there isn't anything bad about the above situation and you can certainly, absolutely glorify God while having this lifestyle and I can wholly say that I would 100% hope that my children would be close-ish to me once they have families of their own...but what if they aren't? And what if what they want to do, or ARE doing is serving far more people and sacrificing much more than I could ever ask or imagine? I have to be okay with it. And not only that, God says that I must cultivate it. Jesus never said, raise your children to have great careers, settle nearby, go to church on sunday mornings, listen to Christian radio, send your kids to awanas, and participate in small groups. Not that these things are BAD- they aren't!

But I think often it's what we'd prefer to assume He wanted. Because it's easy, and Christian, and safe.

Not quite. No- Jesus said, "GO and make disciples" (Matt. 28:19). We are to "serve others humbly, in love" (Galatians 5:13), and do so "wholeheartedly, as though we are serving the Lord and not men" (Eph. 6:7) and to do it "eagerly" (1 Peter 5:2). We are told that we must "use whatever gift we have received to serve others as faithful stewards of God's grace" (1 Peter 4:10).

So how can we raise our children to serve? How can we cultivate this in them at an early age? How can we use their ability to soak up every little thing we do and show them how to love others? How can we show them that serving can take place both at home, just outside the door, in another part of the country, and across the ocean?

Model it.

I read one Mom's blog post recently and her words struck a chord:

As I have spent this year watching all my girls engage [in collecting shoes for children in Haiti without], I am convinced kids need to find a greater purpose in life than themselves. Life must be more than video games, Disney channel, athletics, achievement awards or learning an instrument. Kids need to find purpose beyond their own talent (when the athlete gets injured, or the talent is no longer needed). Kids need see something greater than what this limited American culture has to offer. They need to be inspired, they need to see the greatness of giving, the power of a team and the beauty of this life. They need to see they can make a difference in this world… and giving is better than receiving.
Our kids need parents, teachers, pastors and other adults to help them find their purpose. They need to know that they are special. They need to see examples of sacrificially living and giving. They need to know that this life is more than making money and buying nice clothes and getting awards. They need to know that it starts now, not later.

I loved this. I love that she is training and teaching her children to be more than just consumers. To give and not simply take, take, take. Though I think we should also teach our kids to go beyond just the typical and move outward. Show them how to serve without thinking. Teach them the value of selflessness. And help them rest assured that no matter where life takes them, to always GO where they are needed most and to use their God-given talents and abilities to bless others.

But most importantly to do so with our blessing because we have modeled this to them time and again.

As their parents, we will have the greatest impact on how our children see the world. We can also have the greatest impact on their decisions and values. If we are supportive, God-honoring, and selfless, we will allow them to use their abilities in the best of ways.

BUT if we fail to model this, if we are stifling, controlling, hindering, keep-them-in-a-box type of parents our children will grow up thinking life has to look a certain way. That they have to do life according to certain standards. That God is only in a building on Sundays. That prayer is merely for mealtimes. That serving is only when we send money to someone overseas.

It is so much more than that. And I am convicted of all the above dismal qualities. But I want my children to see life as something so much more. A life of serving others, with humility and grace. A life of selflessness.

A life of love.

Today is square one for me. I'm learning this modeling thing as I go.

Thankfully I have a lot of great examples in my life to look to!

But the greatest of these, is right in my face:

Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45

Happy 6th Birthday, Simeon!

2011-03-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

On March 16, 2005 a dear little boy went to be with Jesus- and in his short little life accomplished an incredible amount for the Lord. In fact, his life is still bringing people to Jesus both here and overseas.

I've been blessed to become a part of the Kampman family and to witness the strength, patience, and endurance of Simeon's parents (my bro and sis-in-law) throughout each day of the experience. I'm still in awe of how they glorified God through every moment. Though it was one of the greatest challenges they likely will ever experience, they did so with grace rather than bitterness. When Simeon was stillborn, there was intense grief- but absolute joy. He was with Jesus. He was in a place we all yearn to be. He just got there a little sooner. And now, through his earthly death, an abundance of people have come to know the Lord and/or are reaching the nations because of his story.

Praise God.

Happy would-be 6th birthday sweet nephew, Simeon. You have reached the world far more in death than most do in a lifetime. God's sovereign plan is ALWAYS perfect! Can't wait to meet you someday...

Love,
uncle curt, aunt abbie, will & baby #2

Preach it, sister.

2011-03-07T16:41:00.000-08:00

Amen a million times over. And thank you, Big Mama, for saying exactly what I've been thinking all day long. I'm so tired of Christians eating each other alive. Get over theology already and start simply accepting Christ for who He is. Mercy and grace. End of story.

Best line from the post:

I don’t want to serve a God who can be completely explained in the human realm. I want a God that is so much bigger than me that I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to know Him more, love Him more, and serve Him better.

Read it HERE! Awesome stuff.

Tail between my legs...

2011-03-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

Now much to say but just wanted to throw this out there- if I ever say anything that offends someone will you PLEASE tell me??? I hate hurting people's feelings, especially on accident- and most definitely try not to do it on purpose. I sometimes have no clue how my words might affect others but just talked to a sweet friend and realized that something I said in a past post rubbed her the wrong way. Even though she was in no way mad at me- the words/idea didn't sit well with her.

I am SO thankful for real, honest, Godly friendships where people can call me out on stuff like this! Dude. Get yourself some of these people in your life if you don't have 'em! We are all sinners and it's good to know it sometimes. I have learned to suck it up and accept criticism because it helps me grow, learn, and become wiser.

So, again- if anything I EVER say bothers or hurts you or doesn't settle well please tell me (though I ask that you do so graciously- I don't like being yelled at either, haha). My email is kampman30@gmail.com. We can discuss it, grow, and become deeper friends.

Thanks for reading!

Ab

16 weeks

2011-02-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

Wow. 16 weeks already- seriously?! I can't believe it. This kiddo is going to be here before I know it, before I'm ready. It seems all this is happening too quickly, and yet, I hate to say it- but I've been so focused on Will and tending to him that I feel I haven't even had time to process the idea of a second child. I think it will slowly come to me as I grow larger, and the baby moves more and more but for now it's just a slight glimmer in the future. My mind hasn't reverted back to "baby brain" yet.

Hopefully it will make the transition soon though- considering how fast this whole thing is going!

Here are a few belly shots at 16 weeks:

Again, not a lot of growth but I can feel it coming. The baby seems to be rising daily, rolling and turning more and more. He/she is making his/her presence known, that's for sure. I've learned this one loves monster bars, Mountain Dew, and the thai chicken salad at Panera. Those few items get his/her body going. With Will I'd have to pray for him to move- he was so chill and quiet in utero. I wouldn't feel him move for days, get terrified, drink a load of coffee, then pray like mad. He eventually make one little kick and then stop. It was maddening.

This one isn't giving me as many heart attacks...yet.

Lord help me if it's another boy! Two will be quite interesting.

Life Lately...

2011-02-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

So...life lately has been looking a leeetle bit different in the parenting realm.

My son is nearing two. Lord help me.

He looks so sweet and innocent, watching the garbage man, right? Right??

Until he turns around and sees the camera.

And then reality sets in.

This is his personality as of late:

Yeah.

I like to call this our "meal time-out":

The child has lately been a bit defiant on the eating side of things, throwing food, pouring his milk everywhere, getting distracted, etc. So- of course, when this happens he suffers the "area of isolation". I wish I could say it changes him into lovely, compliant little child.

Well, maybe still a lovely child. :)

Oh dear. I think I have a long road ahead of me. Thanks in advance, Lord, for patience!

Who I am is quite enough.

2011-02-16T14:49:00.000-08:00

Beauty. What is it? What does that mean exactly?

I've been wanting to write this post for EONS but have never had the courage or humility to begin because it is going to take a lot out of me and I've never been quite ready. Until now.

Today I was reading from my current book-of-the-month, One Thousand Gifts (by Anne Voskamp) and her words lept from the page:

Every moment I live, I live bowed to something. And if I don't see God, I'll bow down before something else.

When I read these words, all could think about was this post. I needed to write it. I could no longer concentrate on Ann's words and instead kept thinking about what I had to say.

So what in the world am I talking about?

Beauty. Seeing beauty as God does. And particularly, as a woman, seeing MYSELF as beautiful (physically, internally, spiritually). Though mainly physically. We women are hard. on. ourselves. So yeah, let's discuss this, shall we?

Because I am the worst person, the lowliest, the absolute self-loathing-body-hater. Yeah. That's me. Hello, nice to meet you all. I've had many people say to me "Oh look at you, you're tiny, you don't have to worry about what you eat." Or, "Oh you just bounced right back from pregnancy, you didn't even have to work at it" or other not-so-nice, quite judgmental, absolutely volatile phrases.

While these statements may build up others, they are offensive to me and absolutely do not make me feel good about myself. At all. Nor are they entirely true. Because- and we are diving fully in the "let's be honest realm" here- I think about how I treat my body constantly. I am always conscious of what I am eating, how much I'm exercising, every ounce of fat gained or lost, every other person who looks better than I do, every other person who "seems" to not have to work at the way they look, whose hair looks fuller/shinier/thicker than mine, whose belly is flatter, whose chest is bigger, whose nose is smaller, who has nicer clothes, who has a better sense of style, who HAS.

Who has? Who cares! Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we pine away and try to create ourselves into someone else? Why do we long to be someone other than the beautiful, amazing, intricately woven person God has made us into?

Like I said prior- I am no exception. Those statements said to me above were completely untrue, unbeknownst to the people who said them. I have always struggled with weight issues. I was a "chubby" child, I was picked on and verbally abused because I was always the bigger girl in elementary school. In junior high, amidst a very tumultuous time in my family life (my mom was heavily into drugs, I was hurting deeply inside with nobody to turn to), I gained quite a lot of weight. Food was always an ally, rather than simply something to sustain me. It was my comfort.

Then came high school part one, freshman year. First boyfriend, reading Seventeen magazine and seeing all the skinny, anorexic, waiflike models telling me (albeit not-so-subtly) how I should look/act/dress/wear makeup. I began to exercise. I cut calories. I wouldn't eat anything with an ounce of fat in it. I took up running. I ran and ran and ran and ran. My doctor told me I was anemic, I need to eat more fat and protein. My hair began falling out, my skin broke out, my clothes hung off me, my nails became brittle, my period left and never came back regularly- all so I could be the wordly definition of "beautiful".

Then came high school part two, the upperclassmen years. I began working at a health food store (the beginning of the betterment), however it was also a pitfall of sorts because I discovered caffeine pills and coffee. I took both interchangeably. I'd have 16oz of fully-caffeinated coffee both before and after school. I'd take three or four rounds of caffeine pills while also running, weight lifting, roller blading, and trying to burn off my hurts from family losses and lonliness. It's a wonder I didn't have a heart-attack.

God protected me, but I was bowing to something else.

While in early high school it was all about my self-image, later high school it was all about trying to jump out of my skin, to be someone else. I didn't like who I was, I wanted to be anyone BUT me. Then via my amazing youth pastor, I found Christ. I began to learn what it means to be beautiful to God. But did I change my thoughts? Nope.

Then came college.

My freshman year I was lonelier than I've ever been in my life. While I loved being on my own, forging new paths- I had very few friends and an even harder time getting involved in activities. Thankfully- due to my childhood I had no interest in alcohol (and going to secular university there was plenty of it around). However my old standby, exercise, became my safe-haven. I ran every other day, I walked everywhere, I saw people gorging themselves on cafeteria food and it sickened me. I ate fresh veggies and lean protein. I sought out what a healthy lifestyle truly looked like and aimed to really get there. I was heading the right direction.

But I still was SO incredibly focused on me. On achieving and bettering myself. I loved Christ but didn't really seek to make myself wholly pure for Him. It was all for me. While I was heading down the right path (eating healthy fats, good protein, veggies and fruits, less caffeine) it wasn't for the right reasons.

I again, became consumed with something that wasn't God. I was bowing down to self.

Then I met my future husband.

Why do boys always incite further obsessions? I became concerned about looking good for HIM, not for me. I tried to maintain my figure because I thought it's what he liked and wanted. However as I came to know this man I fell in love with- I realized he could care less. He loved me for ME.

He loved me for ME.

I slowly learned to see myself through Godly eyes, with the help of Curt. He showed me what it means to be devoted to God first and to everything else second. He gave me the desire to be beautiful on the inside- and not create a fake front, a false body, a false mind. He painted a perfect picture of Christ's love for me.

He loved me for ME.

I married that man. Thank God for Curt's undevoted love. I have learned that I am, and have always been all that God ever wanted me to be. I was already this way before the creation of the world. I am beautiful.

After meeting him I knew I was devastating my body. I wanted to give this man children someday. I wanted to be healthy for him and them. For years, my deepest fear was that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant because of the havoc I had wreaked on my body. Then I had a miscarriage. I wept. I screamed. I got on my knees before God and begged Him to make me whole. To make my body work right. To help me be wholly pure. I promised to do whatever it took to please Him, to glorify Him, to treat what He's so graciously given me with respect and love. I pleaded day and night for Him to show me beauty. To make me feel beautiful and not broken.

And then, the peace. And then, we conceived. And then...His gentle whispering, You are beautiful. You are whole. You are lovely. You are Mine.

God loves me for ME.

I am beautiful.

Now, post-baby, I am still beautiful. Yes, I "bounced" back pretty quickly after my first child but I worked darn hard at being fit beforehand, during, and after. It took energy and endurance and strength. I didn't do it for me, though, I did it for my son. I did it to glorify my God. Because now, when I run and when I eat and when I look in the mirror, I do it all to the glory of God. If I get the urge to run after eating ice cream, I rethink my motives for wanting to do so. I then ask God, "Change my heart, change my thoughts, help me see myself the way YOU do." And I immediately feel better.

Now when I workout, I listen to sermons on my iPod or read Christian-based books as I walk at the gym. I want to be doing it for the right reasons, to keep myself healthy for my family (and to be honest, for my own sanity/peace of mind). It is a stress-reliever, but also a time where I can be alone with my God.

I've made working out an act of God-worship rather than self-worship. When I focus on the ability to even be able to run, and to be able to afford healthy food, and to be able to have a safe environment to do these things, I praise God for it. And if I didn't have any of these things, I would still praise Him.

Because He has made everything perfect in His sight.

I am perfectly created. I am exactly how God wanted me to be.

My body may not be as small as it was in high school, or as fit as it was in college, but it is stronger in every way now than it has ever been. It has overcome pain, loss, and loneliness. It is intertwined with the man God blessed me with. It has carried and birthed a child (and is now carrying a second!). It has suffered the loss of one child. It has taken me around the world and back again. It has given me the strength to endure trials and rejoice in triumphs.

It is beautiful.

Perfectly beautiful.

Thank you, Father, for making me beautiful- by Your hands and nobody elses.

My absolute favorite song of all time. Bethany Dillon's "Beautiful":

I was so unique/Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

You make me beautiful/You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

You ARE beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
God made you perfect.
Wholly, entirely, 100% perfectly beautiful.

Now go look in a mirror and envision what God sees. It will humble and amaze you.

Why I love this man...

2011-02-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

In lieu of Valentine's Day (though I don't need a "day" to honor him), I have to give props and love to my magnificent husband, who is all I could dream of and more. He didn't take me out for an expensive meal, or buy me diamonds (the beautiful ring on my finger is all the diamonds I'll ever need!), or go to any other extravagant lengths to profess his love. No, he surpassed all that.

By leaps and bounds.

How? He wrote me a letter. I will not share all of it because it is for my eyes only, but this is the part I loved the most:

"I want you to know that I am more in love with you today than the day we married. How can that be, you ask? Well...
97,000 miles of travel together
3,950 meals shared together
2, 324 days as a couple together
63 days apart, but wanting to be TOGETHER
56 miles of hiking to mountain vistas TOGETHER
14 months (and counting!) of pregnancy TOGETHER
10 months in the bush of rural Africa TOGETHER
4 trips to Colorado TOGETHER
2 rings shared with ONE ANOTHER
1 common PROMISE

Thank you for saying "yes"."

I've never seen this man raise his voice in anger, shame me or someone else out of spite, be malicious or use immature words/language/cursing. Never. I wish I could say the same for myself, but sadly, I cannot.

He's overtly honest, incredibly unselfish, unceasingly kind, a devoted servant, and the absolute love of my life.

I love you, Curt Kampman.

I would say "yes" a million times over :)

Here are a few shots of the love(s) of my life:

The foundation we built our relationship on, God and His Word.

Visiting my parents in Texas...and not wearing sunscreen. Eek.

Becoming a part of the Kampman clan

My fav Christmas gift

Visiting NYC (Central Park)

Meeting my sweet niece and nephew (Abigail & Josiah)

Best day of my life

Upon returning from our honeymoon...trusting in the Lord! Always.

I kinda like him...

Okay I love him.

First anniversary- he's taken!

Graduation

Serving together in Tanzania for 4 months...

Then Sudan for a month...

Then finally Kenya for 4 months...

Our family grows by one...

The day our "unit" became a family :)

My favorite pic of Will & Curt- of. all. time.

My family...ever growing (round #2 is in the tummy)!

Can't wait for many more years with this man...

My Thoughts Exactly

2011-02-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

I absolutely loved Ann Voskamp's post the other day- it entirely sums up my thoughts lately on teaching your children wholistically- such truth in her words and photos. Thank you, Ann, for so eloquently saying what's on my heart!

I've been collecting children's books upon books upon books (picture, historical, readers, Biblical stories, geographical, scientific, read-alouds)...I can't wait to get started!

One trimester down...

2011-01-28T07:14:00.000-08:00

Phew, I'm done with the first 12 weeks already! That flew by fast. However I am certainly not sad to see it go...I will not miss the nausea! I've been feeling loads better, with only a few random days of sickness so I do believe we are on the up-and-up.

Thank you, Lord.

Here are a few 12 week photos. I promise I am not re-posting 8 week shots- I oddly was wearing the same outfit this time around and, really, the belly doesn't look like it changed much. However I seem to remember the same thing with Will...not much change until 24 weeks then out he popped. We'll see how much faster it happens this time around!

There S/he is!

Now...onto second tri :)

All things new

2011-01-20T06:24:00.000-08:00

God has started this year off with a bang- at least in my life.

He is teaching me so. many. things. right now that I can't even possibly try to condense them all into one blog post (well, I could but I'm sure I would lose you at page 50, or likely sooner).

Anyway. He had been diligently working on my heart these past few weeks- for the good (always). I mentioned in my last post that I began Beth Moore's study on the Holy Spirit ("Living Beyond Yourself") and it has been phenomenal. God has gifted that woman with powerful words of wisdom- and a huge heart for scripture. I adore her studies because, unlike most Christian speakers/teachers, she backs up every single thing she says with multiple scripture references, from the NT and OT, and gets into the Greek and Hebrew origins. You cannot complete one page of any of her studies without flipping through (and reading) at least 10 different pieces of scripture.

She is a woman who stands on the Word, and uses it as her foundation- rather than manipulating it to suit her ideas. I have only found a few like her- Francis Chan is another speaker/teacher I absolutely adore because he follows the same mantra. Scripture should come first above all else.

Moving on.

So back to the study itself. This one has been challenging and life-changing in a way that nothing else has. I am one who struggles to keep the Holy Spirit strong in my heart and life. It seems that my flesh always wins and my words often are laced with bitterness, anger, judgment, sarcasm...being silent and passive are two things that I just can't seem to get my head around.

But God is changing me.

I have learned slowly that words flow from the heart. It may seem like a simple thing- but it's incredibly true. My words have the power to wound, to maim, to kill. Or they have the divine power to soothe, to praise, to love. How such polar extremes can come from one source is unfathomable.

But God is teaching me.

I am also learning that, though it is the husband who leads the family- it is the wife who guides it by her words and actions. If my character is sub-standard then my family is going to suffer the consequences. I am the one who spends the most time daily with our children- I have the power (through Christ) to shape their characters, if mine is already dismal- then what in the world will theirs turn out to be???

The thought is terrifying.

If I do not build up my husband, give him the love and affection he needs and the companionship he craves- then where will he search for it? Elsewhere. If our relationship isn't a Godly picture of Jesus' relationship to the church, then we are not fit to represent Christ. And our children will get a warped view of what commitment and love really mean and begin seeking it elsewhere.

The thought is terrifying.

Even more terrifying is that all of the above rests on MY attitude, MY character, MY role as a wife and mother. I have a huge burden to carry- but praise God that I am not called to carry it alone. He has shown me that I cannot, nor am I supposed to. He is the one who shoulders our load. He helps me in all things. He is with me, holding me up when I am not strong.

I can do all things through Christ.

Such a simple phrase, and yet, it isn't. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ. Not some things, not a few things, ALL things. He has given me the power to overcome the enemy, to trample my fears, and to be the wife and mother I am called to be.

Praise God.

So all of this leads to another thing God is working on in my heart. This is huge.

I feel I am being led to homeschool our children- mainly during the elementary years.

Again- this is HUGE.

I have absolutely never been of this camp. I hadn't even entertained the thought because it wasn't something I felt was necessarily best or ideal. However my heart has done a 180 in recent weeks. I am not going to state my case for why I've been thinking this or try to convince others to do the same because I feel each person has to choose what is best for their family- but I will say that my heart and mind were completely changed after reading this book:

The Clarkson's views on child-rearing oddly spoke to me. I have read MANY a child-rearing book so far. Most of them are good, and have beneficial ideas, but none have really settled well in my heart at the end. There were always bits and pieces I simply couldn't agree with because they either seemed unbiblical or simply weren't something I felt was right for our family. However Sally's book challenged me to think critically about every idea I've ever had about motherhood. She has an entirely unselfish, Biblical view on how a home should look and what it takes to get there.

Because- quite frankly- though motherhood is supposed to force us into selflessness, it often does not. Just keeping it real. Time for ourselves, as mothers, IS crucial- don't get me wrong, but how often do we do something out of selfishness because we think "I deserve it, I stay at home all day, I raise our children, I deal with poopy diapers and willful tempers, I pick up toys and discipline all day long, I DESERVE this."

I, I, I.

No. We mothers do not "deserve" anything. We are freely given gifts and special moments to ourselves that we sometimes have to seek, yes, but we are undeserving of every good thing we've ever been given. Especially our children. And yet they are the biggest, most precious gifts we've ever been entrusted with and to treat them as afterthoughts, or even as things to be raised well but then sent out of the house is an incredibly selfish, ungodly view.

By choosing to have children, as Christians, we are called to give our whole selves to our families. Not part of ourselves, not a piece or a portion- our WHOLE self. As mothers, it is our duty.

For so long I have sought various money-making opportunities (teaching, writing, working at coffeeshops) because I felt it was something I was doing for me. To get out of the house, to earn a bit of money, to get away from the stresses and constraints of home. But these were the absolute wrong reasons.

Now let me butt in and make a crucial point here- I am not criticizing women who work outside the home. If it is necessary for your family or your feel God has called you to work in a specific setting, that is 100% right and true- I am only saying that my motives for doing so are/were incorrect.

I wanted to work for ME. I wanted to separate myself from my home life. I wanted to be someone apart from a wife or a mother. All of these are absolutely the wrong reasons. They are selfish to the core. God has been revealing this to me over the course of the past few weeks and once I am finished with my long-term subbing position at the end of the month, I will be done for good. I may still do a few days here and there because I DO feel teaching is a calling and joy in my life- but I refuse to do it daily.

My heart rests with my son, future children, and husband.
My place is to create a Godly home for my family.
My duty, and the highest calling a person could ever be given, is to raise my children with love, patience, and sacrifice.

So thus we come back to the issue of homeschooling. I don't know if I will still feel this way in a few years when my son is ready for school- but I do know that God has completely altered my feelings on the subject. I think most don't agree with the idea for social purposes (the child will be awkward, unable to carry on conversations, etc) or for activity purposes (but school sports! art club! class plays! dances!) or for the obvious reason of having to actually have your kids home ALL day, with you as their instructor- a daunting idea for even the heartiest soul.

I have reasons for why all of these things are mere excuses but I wont go there. All of the above CAN be cultivated without an institution (secular or Christian) doing it for you. You can teach your children social skills, get them involved in community activities, and sacrifice your time and faculties to teach them from home. Let me again say, NOT everyone is able to do this or feels this is where God is leading their family and that is perfectly okay! I am not pushing an agenda.

But the more I pray, the more affirmed I feel that this is where God is leading our family.

How is God changing you in areas of your life?
What is He making new in your heart?
How is He teaching you?

I am eager to know and hear- it's always a blessing to see how others are being shaped and moulded!

Here is a link to Sally's book and other resources:

Sidenote: Though Sally homeschooled her four kids, that isn't the focus of the book- the book itself is about motherhood and being wholly there for your children spiritually, physically, and mentally

Mission of Motherhood
Educating the WholeHearted Child
Whole Heart.org

God is teaching me...

2011-01-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

Oh dear. I had quite the post I was about to send forth but I just deleted it all.

Why?

Because my heart was not right.

This morning I read a Facebook post from an acquaintance who wrote about "Woman Power" and how she doesn't want kids because she would rather be a corporate bigwig and that children weigh women down.

Just rewriting it sends my shackles-a-rising. I have SO many remarks to this but God. said. no.

No, Abbie.

Do not go there. Do not say what you want to say. Do not allow your words to spew anger, your heart to become bitter, your mind to become infested with judgment.

God is working on me this year already. So often when I write posts it is because someone had said or done something that has really sparked a chord in me, a bad chord, and I want to respond my opinion to it.

This does not help me, this does not provide me with the proper outlet in which to vent my feelings (it DOES but, again not the PROPER outlet). The right thing for me to do is lay the issue at God's feet. It is not mine to deal with, it is His. I may have an opinion, but my opinion doesn't matter- and in truth, sharing my thoughts only furthers the anger in my heart and makes me even more frustrated. And it makes me even more of an opinionated American who fails miserably at humility and grace.

I will not allow myself to go this route any more.

I just began a "New Year" study on diving deeper into the fruits of the Spirit. It's called "Living Beyond Yourself" by the lovely Beth Moore. I began this study while we were in Tanzania a few years ago but didn't complete it before we left the country (it was not mine and therefore I couldn't take it with me). I remember the study to be powerful, challenging, life-changing.

I am eager to begin.

I can feel my heart already blossoming, shedding the rotten parts and allowing for new growth to come through.

Thank you Lord for working on my heart.

Thank you for grace.

Thank you for You.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord my rock and my Redeemer.

- Psalm 19:14

Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.

-Ecclesiastes 5:2

8 weeks and counting...

2011-01-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

I'm up to 8 weeks now and still sickish. From about 6 weeks up until yesterday the nausea just seemed to escalate- peaking yesterday with the ultimate icky stomach and laying on the couch all day. Poor Will was left to fend for himself most of the day (no worries- I watched him but rarely left the couch!). Thankfully we have a TINY place so he couldn't go far.

After yesterday I prayed like crazy that this would GO AWAY- and this morning? Wonderful. This afternoon? Perfect. I still have slight twinges of nausea here and there to let me know I'm not quite off the hook but praise the Lord for the power of prayer. Now let's just hope this continues.

Here are a few shots at 8 weeks:

Tomorrow is our second doc appointment- have another ultrasound to double check the heartbeat and make sure all is well (last time we had one it was a bit early to detect actual bpm, we could see the heartbeat but it kept fading in and out so want to double check this time around). Please pray all is well!

Thanks!

New Year's Musings.

2010-12-30T06:10:00.000-08:00

So I am normally not one to make resolutions.

Why? I'm not sure. I think it's because I know how easy it is to fail at lofty goals. Then, the minute you do you feel like the ultimate failure and proceed to dive even deeper into whatever it was you wanted to refrain from. It's a horrid cycle.

I just read a statistic the other day about how fitness clubs see a massive peak on January 1st but then, literally, by January 30 the peak dives far below what it was originally.

Making resolutions that are unattainable- or unrealistic- is futile.

Therefore I am making myself a list of things that I can actually manage. Things that don't seem so lofty. And there will only be 10 of them. Not 100 or even 20. Just 10 goals.

Here I go...

1) I can't lose weight because I'm pregnant. WAHOO! That's a relief. So my goal here is simply to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Continue to jog and walk on a regular basis, eat heathful meals full of nutrients to support my growing baby, and limit my intake of things that make me nauseous right now (sweets, coffee, wheat). I think these are more realistic endeavors.

2) To begin a pre-school curriculum with Will. He already knows some of his ABC's, but I'd like to work with him a bit more. He is at the point where he's eager and ready to learn more. The kid is a little sponge and I want to feed his curiousity as much as possible.

3) To not pull away when my husband hugs me. I am HORRIBLE at this. I didn't grow up in a "huggy" family and I hate being touched. I know, I'm weird. When it comes to my husband I shouldn't be this way- especially after 5 years of marriage but, alas, I am. So I am going to work on it. Really.

4) Clean my house on a regular basis. And when I mean clean I mean DEEP clean. I am great at keeping it tidy and presentable but I very rarely dust, mop, clean out closets, etc. I need to do this! I do.

5) To pray for someone when I say I will. I mean really pray. HOW OFTEN do we say, "Oh, I'll be praying for you" and then don't?! Too often. Probably more often than we actually pray. It's sad. I am guilty of it- just like many of you are. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like I'm this super Christian who prays at the crack of dawn. I am going to aim to DO it. Not just say it.

6) To test more recipes that I tear out of magazines. I am infamous for ripping out dishes that sound inticing and then storing them away, never to be used. I will aim to try one new recipe a week. I'd also like to work my way through one of my many cookbooks a la "Julia and Julia". Likely one of my Barefoot Contessa compilations- her recipes are fullproof and always taste amazing. Again, no reason to have the books if I don't use 'em!

7) To make at least one international friend that I can become close to. In the past, I've made goals to meet one a month, spend ample time with them, lead them to the Lord, and continue a lifelong friendship. Honestly- that isn't realistic. It may be for some, but not for a girl who is an introvert and full-time mom (who also works part-time). I've been praying that God throw people in my path because I am not one to just go out and talk to people on the street, or chat in the grocery line. I work in a school system so it's been wonderful to have conversations with some of my middle eastern students, learn what they believe and chat with them about it. I also hate the idea of trying to "convert" someone. I think a relationship should be natural, easy, and not have ulterior motives. Whenever I come at it like I want this person to become a Christian, I end up feeling like a fake. I want to know THEM, to love them, to show them Jesus by example- not by force. So I pray for this. I pray for someone who can become a forever-friend, someone who is a person of peace, who will be drawn to Jesus not merely through conversation but through actions. I have daily prayed for this but have not yet met someone. So I will continue to pray and ask for right timing and the right person.

8) Going along with the above (and this may seem opposite to what I said above) I pray that I step out of my shell a bit more and become braver (more brave?). I am such a painfully introvert person- though it may not seem that way through my writing- that it's often hard for me to make new friends. I am incredibly faithful and close to friends I have but thinking of beginning new relationships makes me sweat. Seriously. I've always been this way- shy, closed off, a homebody who gets stressed simply at the thought of going to large family functions where I have to sit and talk for hours. I get claustrophobic in large groups. Take notice- if I am ever at a large gathering of people that lasts longer than a few hours I usually disappear for a while. To a back room to read, to the kitchen to clean, to the convenience store for a Coke. It's my sanity time. I need it. It calms my nerves. I am not one of those who gets invigorated by parties- I'm the one who leaves as early as possible so I can get home to my sweatpants and books! I've always been this way and I know I will never be that chatty Kathy in the center of a room- the mere thought makes my head spin- but I am resolving to not make this as much of an issue, and to not let it affect my ability to meet new people.

9) To write more. Especially on my food blog (SimpleKneads.blogspot.com). It relaxes me and it's what I really enjoy.

10) To spend less. I am not a big spender as it is but I used to be extremely good at weighing the cost of everything- I have been lax with this during the holiday season but I want to get back to it. My husband and I have a budget and I would not only like to keep in it, but also spend less than my allotted amount. He's going to get super excited reading this. Ha.

So there they are.

What are yours?

Do share!

William's New Shirt!

2010-12-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

He loves it!

And so do we :)

You guessed it, Baby Kampman 2.0 will be arriving on-or-around August 13th!

I love sharing early. There are many reasons why I choose not to wait until "12 weeks" but the biggest is because, really, I CAN'T keep a secret that long! How do so many people DO it? I. just. can't. Not only that, but I think many people don't tell out of fear that something may happen (miscarriage, problems with pregnancy, etc). That's ludicrous. Even if something happens (and I pray daily that nothing will), it's silly to pretend this isn't a child, a person, a life. However long or short his/her days on this earth may be- I want to make sure the world knows him/her and can share in the joy of his/her life!

So let's bask in the joy, shall we? I am! (If you can't tell by my over-abundant use of the exclamation point).

I am currently 7 weeks and sick as a dog...never had nausea with Will so this is a new experience for me. Already there are many different things about this one- my hair is strong, thick, and lustrous (with Will it fell out like crazy until about 6 months), my skin is fine (broke out like a teenager with Will), and- the nausea. I am not going to make any predictions because each pregnancy is different and I have no inclinations either way. I honestly just pray all is well- that's my only request. Boy or girl, whatever God has in store is fine with me.

Here's a photo at 4 weeks:

I'm going to try to do a shot every 4 weeks, same as I did with Will. I feel like this child needs to have just as much excitement and attention- and it's important to me to document the changes.

Best Christmas gift a girl could ask for :)
Please join me in praying this new little life into the world!

What does "blessed" mean anyway?

2010-12-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

After one of my recent posts I felt the need to follow up with a very important, need-to-be-said, point.

I share my childhood story publicly not because I want pity. Nor do I share my experiences to incite others to be "thankful" that they don't have to go through it.

That is absolutely, 100%, not the reason I share these things with you.

I am going to come right out and say that I am blessed to have had the childhood I did.
I will even go so far as to say I am thankful and praise God for it.

Yes.

Thank you, Lord, for my experience. Thank you for implanting yourself in me as a young child. For showing me right from wrong at an early age and giving me an innate sense of the supernatural when I wouldn't have learned of You otherwise. Thank you for using my life, in whatever way You may, past-present-and-future to benefit others and lead them to You. Thank you for showing me who Jesus is by example, rather than by mere words from a speaker on a pulpit.

Thank you for my brokenness.

I think one of the things that bugs me the most (and I know, I have many irritations, God is working on me yet!) is when people say they are "blessed" because they come from a loving home, were raised in a Godly family, because they have money, because they have status, because they have.

No.

A person is not "blessed" if they have these things. Because inevitably what is being conveyed (without so many words) is that others who don't have x, y, and/or z are not blessed. And that is wrong.

We are blessed because WE HAVE GOD. I am blessed, not because others have influenced my life significantly but because God has implanted himself in my life. I am blessed because He. Chose. Me.

I have a very dear, eloquent friend, Kinsey, who articulated this point expertly during a recent discussion. She said,

"People tend to focus on circumstances and not on God. You aren’t blessed because you live in the U.S., are provided for, and are healthy-- you are blessed BECAUSE YOU HAVE GOD. People in, say, Haiti, are just as blessed as we are, and maybe even more so (you can see God more clearly in difficult circumstances, etc) BECAUSE THEY ALSO HAVE GOD."

She is spot on. We tend to have this view that we are very "blessed" to live in the country we do, to come from "Godly" homes, to have food on our plates and a roof over our heads, but honestly- I would disagree. There are a multitude of people living in this country who have health, status, wealth, and privilege- and they do not have God, yet would be considered "blessed" by the average joe.  While living in Africa, I saw people with none of these things, and yet, they were joyful, vibrant, thankful. Why? Because they had God. They didn't need a "normal" family (and many of them came from terribly broken homes), they didn't need money, they subsisted on very little food and water- but they were content. Why? Because they had God.

They had God.

So back to my story.  People might want to attribute my "finding God" to other people (say, Mrs. Bork or various other key mentors I've had) but I beg to differ. These people were incredible, yes, they were highly influential and made permanent imprints in my life- but they did not make decisions for me. They did not implant themselves into my heart and provide me with the Holy Spirit. God did that.

However, I allowed Him to come in- nobody did that for me. In fact, I remember vividly the exact moment when He entered my heart.

I was 11 years old, laying in bed one night. I could hear Mom and my stepfather fighting downstairs- and I began to cry. This was a rare occurrence; by this age I was beyond crying, I knew it did no good and therefore I just gave it up. But this night was different. I cried because I knew I didn't want to become like Mom. As much as I loved her, as wonderful a person as she was (and she was wonderful, she has qualities that I will never live up to)- I didn't want an addiction. I did not want to put my future family through such pain. I cried. Then, I prayed. I had no clue who God was, I'd never been to church (except on rare occasions with various families- none of which I recall as being profound experiences). I begged Him to help me rise above that situation. I pleaded with Him to help me be different, to be changed. As an 11 year old, I asked Him to come into my life and be with me always.

And then, a sense of calm.

I knew, immediately, that I would not be the person I feared. I knew my life would be different. I knew I could exceed the statistics and change my life. With God's help, I have.

I had hope.

That hope I had, to remember my childhood as "a tiny nightmare in a sea of dreams" has been fulfilled. I honestly don't recall much of my past...it's such a faint memory. I have so many more incredible snapshots from later on. From high school. From college. From marriage. From serving overseas. From teaching. From motherhood- OH, from motherhood.

I cherish motherhood.

My children WILL be raised in a loving home.   I daily give my son so many hugs and kisses that he now, too, gives them frequently to others. I marvel at him. I make it a goal every day to let him know how much he is loved, cared for, provided for, that he feels safe and secure, that he knows I will never leave him- until God calls me home. I pray daily that he too, will find God. That he will seek faith in the One who's given me so much. I tell him frequently that God loves, adores, and will NEVER leave him.

THIS is what it means to be blessed.

I am blessed.

I have God.

LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.

-Psalm 84:12

Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.

Blessed are you when people hate you,
   when they exclude you and insult you
   and reject your name as evil,
      because of the Son of Man.
-Luke 6:21-23

What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.

-Philippians 3:8

God said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- Paul, 2 Corinthians 12: 9 & 10

William Theodore- 19 Months

2010-12-04T05:09:00.000-08:00

So I haven't updated on the little man in a while!

Will, 18 months, in Florida:

I think now as good a time as any, so here is/are the fun things William is doing currently, at 19 months:

- He's down to only one nap a day, from 12:30-4pm. It's a nice chunk of time! I've been blessed to have a part-time long-term subbing job from 1-3:30pm every day. I have incredible friends (Jen & Kelsey!) who have been letting me put Will down at their place, then pick him up once I'm done- sometimes he isn't even awake yet! It's a wonderful set-up, I don't even have to be away from him while he's awake. It's perfect.

-Will is babbling up a storm. His current words are (but not limited to): Daddy, Mommy, Will, Eli (Witthoft), Mo-Mo (Moses DeWaard), Anna (Kampman), juice, cookie, eat, teeth, choo-choo (for "train"), hot dog (much to my disgust), dog, kitty, various animal sounds, Papa (Grandpa), Uh-oh, all done, amen, no, yes, hello, bye-bye, read, nigh-nigh (night-night), stinky (for when he poops- haha- he generally says it as he's working it out), ball, and the sign language for "please", "more", and "milk".

- He loves books. He will grab one, come over to us, say, "dee Mama?" (read, Mama), and plop down in my lap. So stinkin' cute.

-He is beginning to assert his defiance and/or independence. He refuses to eat food unless he does it himself, with a utensil. This make for quite a lot of messes (especially when he uses a spoon) but whatev- he's learning! Regarding the food front- he LOVES the following: waffles, hot dogs (ew, ew, ew), veggie burgers, brussels sprouts, cooked broccoli with cheese, pizza (any kind), monster bars, chicken nuggets, apples, bananas, Green Machine Naked juice, cheezits, and graham crackers. That about sums up his entire palette right now!

-He has 10 teeth, the front four on top & bottom and his upper molars. He is working on his lower molars as we speak. This has resulted in some middle-of-the-night screaming and lots of Tylenol! Speaking of teeth he absolutely loves brushing them. Right before bed we will say, "Should we brush your teeth?" and he runs to the bathroom, saying, "teeth, teeth, teeth!" However, like eating, he feels he needs to do it himself. Which generally means sucking all the toothpaste off the toothbrush. Ha.

-He has now been on four plane trips, flying on 8 planes total (two each time). It is getting progressively harder to travel with a boy toddler! However he is becoming a travel-pro just like his Mama. He has now been to San Antonio 2x, New York City/ Long Island, Estes Park (Colorado), and Jacksonville, Florida. Can't wait for many more fun family vacays!

-He adores phones. In fact, anything with a cord becomes a phone. He picks up Curt's shaving charger and puts the head up to his ear, saying "Hello??? Babble-babble-babble, BYE BYE!" It's hilarious.

-He has plenty of toys but by far his favorite items are my mixing bowls (uses them as hats), the hand-mixer (he drags it around by the cord like a dog), and my cell phone.

-He is a natural climber- and it terrifies me. He will climb on the most ridiculous things. He even climbed into his crib recently by pushing his activity table up to his nightstand and thus making his way into the crib. I'm afraid he's going to go the other route soon enough and climb OUT of it and take a tumble. We will definitely be moving to a big-boy bed soon! Curt's in the process of making plans to create bunk-beds. I can't believe we are to this point already!

-He is still in 12-18 month clothing, and size 3 diapers, though he's 19 months. The kid has short arms and no hips (and no rear-end). They need to invent belts for toddlers (or maybe they have?), I can't keep his pants up!

- He is naturally introvert in a crowd. He isn't anti-social at all, he just likes to play by himself. If he's in a large group of kids, he'll be the one playing with a truck in the corner of the room, all by himself. He inherited this from Curt and I- I pray it doesn't affect his ability later on to make friends. He is in his own little world. I can tell he's going to be an internal processor/thinker. He will take one toy, and play with it for 30 minutes, examining each little detail, figuring out how it works. He only has about 6 toys at home (we aren't ones for over-crowding our place with stuff) and he finds new ways every day to play with each of them. I think I have another engineer on my hands!

-He loves running. If we take him outside he immediately bolts off down the street, same in the mall. He has no clue where he's going- he just likes to run. Maybe he and I can take jogs together in the future???!

-He enjoys household cleaning (don't turn me in for child-labor!). He watches me vacuum, sweep, and wipe counters then later he will mimick my actions, getting out the broom and bringing it to the kitchen, then start sweeping. If I'm wiping his face after he eats, he'll take the wet-wipe from my hand and begin wiping off his tray. Whenever I say, "want to make the bed??" he immediately runs to our room, grabs one of the pillows on the floor, and hands it to me. It cracks me up. He's a little helper :)

-He prays after we finish praying. Curt will pray at supper (we all hold hands, bow our heads, and Curt prays, then say "amen"). Once we are done, William will put his head down and in a softer voice, babble for a few seconds, then loudly say "Ahhh-dahh!" (All-done, or in this case, "amen"). I about die laughing every time.

That's all I can think of for now. I'm amazed at how, as he grows older, I love each phase even more than the last. He is becoming such a little person- it's a blessing to be given this child in my care (and humbling and terrifying!). When I am away from him I long to be with him. When we are at home I can't help but stare at him in awe and wonder- baffled that this miracle was made within my body and came to fruition through Curt and I. I am humbled by the task I've been given, to raise him with love and discipline. I am terrified I will mess up (and I do). I'm amazed at the strong feelings he brings in me (anger, frustration, ENDLESS love, peace, joy, forgiveness, etc). It paints a perfect picture of how God sees us and the feelings we must summon in Him.

Thank you, Lord, for entrusting me with this task. There is no greater joy than being a mother.

I love you sweet son!

The power of words...and teachers.

2010-10-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

Hey all.

Haven't been on here in a while. I've been really busy but that's isn't why I've chosen to refrain from writing. I just haven't had the inspiration, the drive, the passion to write or share much. I hate feeling as though I have to write something daily simply because I have a blog that others read.

That. stresses. me. out.

Writing should come naturally, effortlessly, easily. It should flow from your heart and not from the mouth.

At least, that's what I think.

I often think- If I am bored writing it, then they will be bored reading it. I used this same method when writing papers in college. If my heart wasn't into the content- if I didn't OWN the paper, so to speak, then it would be crap. End of story.

BUT if I took charge of the piece, really dove into the subject matter, gave it my all and, essentially, became the paper itself (yeah- hokey as it sounds), it often came out incredibly good. Not trying to toot my own horn here- just being honest. I have to admit there were many papers that I just. couldn't. get. into. And those were my "perfect-the-art-of-faking-it" assignments. Not plagiarizing, just faking that I actually cared about the content. This too happened a good deal.

But there were those papers. The ones that I poured everything into. THOSE were the ones that I kept. The ones I'm proud of.

Anyway.

One of those is a piece I wrote on my elementary school librarian, Mrs. Bork.

I credit Mrs. Bork with a good deal of things- mainly going above and beyond her profession. She actually cared about us- she didn't just dole out books and get on our cases about late fines. She was the real deal.

Mrs. Bork was the subject of one of my favorite college-papers, one that asked us to write about someone who has had a profound, life-changing imprint on our lives.

I chose Mrs. Bork.

Here is my/her story:

        I walked into the library heading toward the familiar shelf, the one I had come to know well. This shelf, in the far southeast corner of Kirkwood Elementary’s small media center had become a familiar friend. My eyes scanned the titles, searching for the one I had grown to love, Mio My Son, by Astrid Lindgren. The pages of this story had brushed my fingertips time and again, far into the wee hours of the morning. This was the first book I couldn’t put down; the one I came back to every couple of months during my elementary years simply to relive the mysticism of Mio and his adventures. With each reading I felt the book become more a part of me, my soul became entwined with his. Mio, you see, is a nobody. He is a young orphan from a small nowhere town in Sweden. He lives with foster parents who fail to acknowledge him. Mio longs to know his real parents and never gives up hope that he may someday meet his biological father. One evening, while sitting on a park bench, he notices a bottle near his feet. The bottle appears to contain a special note. He opens the bottle and reads the message. The small piece of parchment tells Mio that he is not just any ordinary boy, he is a prince, son of the king of Farawayland. Soon after, he is whisked away upon a winged steed to meet his father.

         Mio’s story was so appealing to me as a young girl because I wasn’t raised within the confines of what is considered a “normal” family. Far from it. My mother was an alcoholic who was rarely home and when she was, she wasn’t truly there, if you get my drift. I see myself as a sort of unusual misfit who survived a broken childhood- remaining relatively intact as a result. As a child of divorced parents, one of these being a drug addict, books became my chosen alternative. They were my addiction.

        The oldest recollection I have of being fully engaged in a story stems from frequent visits with my elementary school librarian. Once a week, from kindergarten through second grade, our class would visit Mrs. Bork. Now Mrs. Bork really knew how to tell a story. She read Frog and Toad with a passion unlike any other—honestly, I’ve yet to find someone who can do a perfect rendition of Toad. I dare you to try. This short half hour of each week became my safe haven, I grew antsy and was often scolded for running down the hallway in anticipation, wondering what story would appear that week. In all truth, I didn’t care what kind of story it may be, I was content knowing that during this time I could pretend. I envisioned myself as Laura Ingalls, prairie child, forging streams and churning butter. I transported to Green Gables, adoring Gilbert Blythe (he quite possibly was my first love) and making kindred spirits. These books represented more than mere stories, to me they were ideal getaways that enabled me to rest my thoughts elsewhere—far from reality, away from what was taking place at home.

        Books were my getaway. I read to escape. There were many lonely nights when, rather than worry whether Mom would come home, I would open a story and read until my eyes were empty of tears, dry and swollen, but engaged in a thickening plot. It was during these moments I realized the enchanting power of the written word. Those words, those stories kept me from becoming a statistic. I turned to books rather than drugs, sex, violence, and alcohol. They were my lifeline, they pulled me through. On the contrary, my childhood was not muttled and mangled with hard times. The beauty of having parents who were rarely around makes for wonderful fantasy and imagination. I adored characters like Anne and Mio because they, like myself, did not have ideal families. These characters made something of themselves because they believed that life is more than mere circumstances. I took to this hope, or rather, latched on to it with every ounce of energy I could muster. I tried my best to see above my current circumstances, to live like the characters in the stories. Someday, I wanted to look back at my past like it was a vague memory, a tiny nightmare in a sea of dreams.

        Eventually, as I grew older once a week in the library wasn’t near enough, I would come three, four, sometimes five times a week. Mrs. Bork began to get a feel for my favorites and often recommended others in place of the constants- I had a thing for re-reading loved novels. On the last day of sixth grade, I went back to my favorite shelf, in the southeast corner. All of a sudden, I heard a voice call out from the sea of books. “Mio isn’t there Abbie”, I heard Mrs. Bork say. What? Not there? “Why?” was the only word I could manage. “It was just taken out-of-print, I’ve put it away to keep it safe. Besides, you’ve read the thing so many times your fingerprints are probably permanently indented on every page!” I tried not to tear up. I didn’t want her to think I was childish. By this time I was nearly in fifth grade, far too old to be reading a young fairytale, yet, it was my favorite. I quickly left the media center and headed back to class.

        After that last day of elementary school, I never saw my old librarian again. The summer before ninth grade Mom died in an alcohol-related car accident. Though it may sound terrible, I was content knowing that the worst had come. She could no longer hurt herself or anyone else. At the funeral, I realized how far I had come and how I had never given up hope that someday life would get better. Just a few short months later, I received a package in the mail, addressed to a “Miss Abigail Eickelberg” with no return address. I tore open the package and gasped when I saw what was inside. Gingerly I pulled out a well-worn copy of the story that had given me so much hope as a child. Mio My Son. No letter was enclosed, no note revealing the sender. Such a simple gift, and yet, I felt its weight rush over me in emotion and memories. At that moment I remembered Mio and how he eventually found his fairytale ending. I knew then that I had found mine.

        I never found out who sent that package…though I have my guesses. I often wonder if Mrs. Bork knew all along about my domestic problems. I wouldn’t doubt it. Teachers have a second sense for those things. Although, she never once asked questions, she simply gave me books. Books, upon books, upon books. It’s amazing how a job as simple as librarian or media specialist can seem so mundane. Yet, these individuals have the power to implant themselves in the minds of young children. Mrs. Bork was the vessel that carried me through. It is only now that I understand what she knew all along: Books cannot change life’s circumstances, but they can change the life of a child.

The entire story is true. Every word of it. This was one of those assignments that I fully invested myself in. I could do nothing else- it became a part of me. This is how I feel about writing- especially when it is something that speaks to me.

Now. Getting to the point (yes I have one). I am currently embarking upon a seven week, long-term sub position at one of the local junior highs- the very same school I student-taught at a few years ago. It has been an exciting adventure so far, one that I'm sure I'll remember always.

But.

I don't just want to be a sub. I want to be someone that influences the lives of these kids, because I KNOW that many of them come from similar backgrounds as mine. Many of these young girls look the very same way I did back then- forlorn, yearning, begging for understanding and someone to care about them in return. I know that look. I know what it feels like to pretend to be utterly independent, an I-can-do-it-alone attitude was my mantra, my husband would say it still is most days :). But I also know that they are pleading within themselves for someone to notice them. To care.

I hope that I can do that for at least one. Hopefully more- but at least one.

That is my goal.

I remind myself of this when I am at my wits end :) But it has been a great experience so far and I pray it continues to be so.

Care to pray with me?

Thank you.

Just in case we forgot how truly selfish we are...

2010-08-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

...and how much we have here.
...and how little we give to others.
...and how little concept we have of the other side of life, the side that nobody talks about because it's "too hard," or "too difficult" or makes you feel "too guilty,"

read THIS.

Katie has an insane story about how she got where she is. If you have time, read as many posts as you can. But these photos are mind-bending. They take the apathetic or unknowing soul and chuck it into reality.

I am no exception. I read this and feel like I just got sucker-punched in the stomach.
My breath is taken away.
My perspective takes a dive from it's lofty heights and comes crashing back to earth.

I forget.

I forget what I saw in Africa,
I forget the struggle of humanity. The sin, the pain, the atrocities that are there but I am living in too cushy a place to really experience them

I forget.

But I DON'T want to. I don't want to. I need to remember these things. I need to pray, I need to love, I need to seek God on behalf of those who are hurting. I cannot simply read something like this and say, "Wow, I am really blessed to not be going through THAT." Because even that sentence is prideful. It doesn't DO anything for anyone.

It doesn't change anything.

We need to stop arguing about theology, we need to stop slinging political vitriol, we need to stop asserting our opinions and gaining more wealth/health/comfort for ourselves, seeking our own pleasures and really THINK about the lives we are living.

How am I living my life?
How are you?

Today I am asking myself: What am I doing for others? How am I sacrificing my life for the sake of someone else? Am I giving enough of myself and my life to others????

Please, I beg you, ask yourself the same.

Please.

Pride and Joy

2010-08-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Many of you know that my husband and I spent ten months in East Africa in 2008. In short, we were serving with Africa Inland Mission, mainly AIMtech (a sub-branch of AIM). We were initially supposed to go to Kenya for the entire time, potentially visiting a few other places during our stay, but the Lord had other plans-- as it usually goes :)

We were two weeks out from leaving the states when we heard from headquarters that we wouldn't be going to Kenya right away. Our visas did not go through and they were trying to decide what to do with us. We, of course, we wondering if this was a "God sign" that we should cancel our trip. We had already been delayed a few months for other reasons and were getting anxious and frustrated that things were not progressing.

However, AIM informed us that there was a significant need for a teacher at a small Bible college in Bulima, Tanzania. An English teacher, to be exact. They wanted me.

I was taken aback. Our original plan was to go where Curt, the engineer, was needed. I was simply going to be the homemaker and relationship-builder with the locals. I wasn't planning on using my college degree in any sense. But we realized that's exactly what God wanted me/us to do.

SO we left the U.S., 24 hours later landed in Nairobi, and after a week of training in Nairobi, headed southwest to Mwanza, Tanzania, a city right upon the shores of Lake Victoria, the largest lake in Africa.

I was nervous, to say the least. I wasn't sure what to expect. I was used to teaching stubborn teenagers, and familiar with literature and writing skills...not English grammar. I wasn't ESL certified, nor did I feel I had a good foundational grasp of my own language to be teaching it to college students!!

But so I went.

And I loved it. I taught four months of conversational English to 10 wonderful students. And at the end of the course- they all passed their exams with flying colors and were able to enter their first year of Bible training (English was a pre-requisite course). It was a beautiful time of learning on both sides.

My class in session:

Teaching from the podium:

All ten of my students (and their teacher!)

The last day of class

(they blessed Curt and I with homemade outfits, Africa-style!)

Since I left, I have received sweet, precious emails from a few of my students. Their broken English is beautiful to me. Realizing that they started not knowing even a few words to now being in their third year of Bible training, is incredible to me. Fascinating, really. It's something only God could have orchestrated.

I am so thankful to have played a small role in their lives and am anxious to see what the Lord has in store for their futures.

Here is a recent email from one of my top students, Mary:

Hi Mualimu ("teacher" in Swahili) Abbie!

How is there? I'm doing fine with my family.
It is too long without communicate. I was so busy with my studies- I'm sorry for that. I received the picture from you through Mama Sheila, thanks for the picture with your husband and your baby, he is looking handsome! Congrate, my teacher. I thank God I'm doing well with my studies at NTC and now I'm preparing for third year in September this year, thanks for teaching me English. Please continue to pray for my studies. In our class now we are eight, four men and four women we thanks God for that. I want to know what are you doing now. Say hi to your husband and your family.

May the Lord be with you always
Your student & friend Mary Ngussa

I love that. LOVE it. It's beautiful, isn't it? I love knowing that God is using people from all over the world to reach others. This school is designed to train students in Bible and theology so that they might be a light to their own tribes in the future.

I hope to go back next summer (2011) to see my students graduate. It would be the epitome of joy for me to see them standing on the podium, ready to take on the world.

Thanks God, for allowing me to be a part of their journey.

A few of my students, two years later...

Sweet Mary

(who wrote the above email)

Breathtaking.

2010-08-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know about Rhema Maravanne, well, just take a listen:

Rhema is a 7 year old Korean gospel singer who lost her mom to cancer in 2006.
She now sings to glorify God and bring others to Christ.

She sounds like an angel.

Her website is HERE.

I'm speechless.

Powerful Pondering

2010-07-31T08:52:00.000-07:00

A friend wrote this excerpt in his recent email, it grabbed me, made me think.

It made me realize how very small I am and how very HUGE God is.

It's something that always ceases to amaze and astound my senses.

Read on...

This planet is suspended in a universe that scientists have never discovered an end to, and its spinning. It’s spinning at 1600 Kilometres per hour. All the while simultaneously our globe is circling the sun. As I stand with the earth beneath my feet, somehow I don’t fall off. I can enter into a metal box that weighs 440 tonne, hurtle through the sky 10 kilometres above sea level at speeds of a thousand kilometres per hour. Somehow, when I get out, I’m still in one piece. There is 6.8 billion people on this earth scrambling every direction at once. Everyone moving. Under people, over people. Everyone seeking that feeling of being important. And yet in some way, I’m significant too. The fabric of society and relationships crumble around us. Men hate, they wage war, kill, steal, scream, glutton themselves, they nag. Man ignores morality, mankind ignores God. Yet there’s still hope. I hope.

Incredible words. Incredible truth.

Wow.

Fashionisto

2010-07-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

So, as many of you know via Facebook- my son LOVES sunglasses and scarves.

I promise, I had NO influence on this. He just likes things on his head/face/neck. I think he's going to have much better fashion-sense than Curt or I when he is older. I just have a feeling.

See for yourself:

However, Curt does NOT approve of William wearing "girly sunglasses"

so today we purchased some manly shades for him:

What a stud.

Haha.

Contentment

2010-07-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

Oh man.

Lately I have been struggling. I have had all of these conflicting thoughts running around in my head about who I should be, what I should be doing, how I should be living, who I really am/am not, what I need/want, what direction God is taking me/my family, how to reach out to others, what I'm doing right/wrong, areas of sin, areas of growth....

Basically- I have been discontent with myself and my life.

I asked my husband recently if he ever feels dissatisfied with who he is- or rather, unhappy with his life. Of course he said, "not really." Grr. Is this a female thing? Being discontent? Or is it just a "me" thing?

Are you sometimes discontent with your life? How do you combat this? I think the easy "Christian" answer is getting in the Word every day, spending time with God...but this I know. I want to know what things everyone else struggles with so that I don't feel so alone, like I am battling this inner turmoil solo. And how, exactly, do you fight it?

It has been consuming me lately. I have a shifty persona. I like something for a while, then want to change it. I live in a one place a while, then want to leave and try something new. I get really excited for an event, then it comes, passes, and I search for another thing to get excited about. I often seek satisfaction in things or in mere people. But they alone cannot provide this.

Not often, in the day-to-day grind, am I fully content.

I want to be.

Last night I wrote this in my journal:

"Lord I hate this feeling of constantly being unsatisfied with myself and my life. I pray right now for contentment- to be at peace with myself and those around me; to "bloom where I am planted" and be fulfilled with Your love and faithfulness. Please Father, help me to find all my satisfaction in You and You alone. Not in how I look, what I wear, who I am friends with; not in motherhood or in my relationship with Curt; not in books or knowledge; not in my job or in money- Lord You alone are my portion, You are all I need when I am empty- You alone can fill me with peace and love and acceptance. Thank you Lord for loving me when I don't love myself."

I felt immediate peace.
Instantaneous contentment.
I felt right at home.

Love how God does that.

If they obey and serve Him,

they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity

and their years in contentment.

--Job 36:11

Godliness with contentment is great gain,

for we brought nothing into the world,

and we can take nothing out of it.

--1 Timothy 6:5

Holy Spirit, Take 2: Still Learning...

2010-06-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

So sorry I have been MIA regarding my study of the Holy Spirit-- or maybe nobody noticed I was gone, haha. Oh well. These past few weeks have been hectic but no excuses- I don't feel tied to this blog, and thus don't feel I need to write often. I write as things come to me or if I feel compelled by something worthy of my attention. Lately, not a lot has grabbed at me.

Except my Holy Spirit study.

Oh man, folks- there is SO much regarding the Spirit that I never knew. So much I feel none of us have really ever digested before. These are passages I've read time and again, over and over. I've heard sermons on them and read commentaries. I've talked to others superficially about the verses, discussing mere topical issues.

But never, never has God shown me...or maybe that's the wrong choice of words.
Never have I focused so much on the meat of His words. The depth and the body of what he's really saying.
And I keep asking myself, "Why don't we absorb this stuff more deeply?!" These words, this gift of the Holy Spirit, is HUGE.

It's so huge. Why do we not seek every single little thing Christ has died for us to have??? Because of His death on the cross we were able to have this incomparable, unimaginable, awesome gift of the Holy Spirit.

And seriously, I don't think we even touch the tip of the iceberg in respect to its profundity.

Is that a word, profundity?

Anyway. Profound, that's what I was going for.

Here are a few of the things I have studied so far (and mind you, I began with Acts and am working toward Revelation...and I am still in Acts--I am pouring over every scene, every word...taking my time, slowly digesting):

1) Baptism

Accepting Christ, receiving the HS, and baptism go hand-in-hand. Please listen to me here, this doesn't mean you NEED to be baptized to have a relationship with Christ- or need to be baptized to receive the HS, BUT BUT BUT, every single time someone receives Christ in Acts, they get baptized shortly after, and immediately after being baptized, very often they are "filled with the Holy Spirit". It's a domino effect.

My main thing with baptism is not to argue whether its necessary- that's silly. Did Christ do it once He became of the age where he understood its meaning? Yes. Then we should too. That's all there is to it. Why debate whether it's necessary or not? If Jesus did it, so should we. End. of. story. And if by doing so I might receive more of the Spirit (because, my friends, seriously- nearly all of those baptized in Acts receiving an overwhelming "filling" of the Spirit immediately after baptism), then more the reason to do so!
Have I been baptized as an adult? Not yet. Will I? You betcha! As soon as I can muster up the courage to stand in front of my church and do it... I'm kind of a sissy like that.

God'll give me courage, I'm sure.

One thing I am still studying is when we receive the Holy Spirit- is it when we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior? Most would say yes. However there is one passage that baffles me. Acts 8:14-17. Read it and you'll see what I mean. Though the Samarians accepted Jesus, and had been baptized into His name, the Bible says "the Holy Spirit had not yet come upon any of them" (v 16) and that Peter and John had to come to the Samarians and place their hands on them to receive the Spirit. Hmm. Interesting. Still studying this one. It's different than my former understanding. But it's there, in the Word. So I'm going to be open to the possibility that maybe I have been wrong in my understanding of when and how I receive the HS. Still asking God to reveal more of this to me.

2) The Spirit & Gifts

Everywhere you turn in Acts one of the apostles is performing a supernatural act "through the Spirit". Seriously- on every page there is something unexplainable done through the HS's power working through a man. The apostles healed people. They prophesied. They spoke in tongues. They had visions. The Spirit talked to them- literally. And they had faith that these things would and could happen.

Do I? Do I really? I mean, really?
Do you?

I think we are leery of the unexplainable in the church today. If we can't control certain things, if there are elements that cannot be explained or understood easily- we tend to get a little uneasy. Don't get me wrong- we pray for miracles, we desire God to move and move BIG- but when it comes to the very crazy smoke-and-mirrors miraculous signs and wonders we get a little squeamish.

As we should. I mean, people have certainly abused these "gifts". And those people will certainly see God's disappointment (or maybe they already have). But the God of Acts is the same God we worship today. He can still do the same things. He can still move and move BIG- right before our eyes. He can turn water into wine, make donkeys talk (it's Biblical- just read it!), appear in a burning bush, make the deaf hear and the blind see. He can do these things. I think we like to believe this in theory, but not necessarily in practice. And notice that every time something like this happens in Acts- it is done through a man. God doesn't appear in front of the crowd Himself and perform these wonders- He gives the apostles the power and ability to do these things though the Spirit. These are mere men doing incredible things with the power of Christ working in-and-through them.

Now the big question running through my mind, whenever I read this: Do I believe God could work that same power through me? Really? I mean, do I have faith that the Spirit could take little old me, place my hands on a crippled woman, and believe that she will be healed right before my eyes? Do I have that level of faith?

No.

I know I don't right now. I know I would have a deep fear that God wouldn't show up, and I would look like an idiot. Yeah- I admit that. And yet, Christ says it can be done. In John 14:12-14 He says, "You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it...I tell you the truth anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing- he will do even greater things than these." EVEN GREATER THINGS! Can you imagine doing greater things than Christ did? I CAN'T! But faith is key. Faith that He will work through me. I wish I had that kind of faith.

Another example is in Acts 14 when Paul heals a man in Lystra. This man was lame since birth and "Paul looked directly at him, saw that he had faith to be healed" (v.9) and went on to heal him! Notice that Paul saw the man "had faith to be healed". This is something I've meditated a lot on. When I am ill- do I have faith to be healed? Or do I succumb to a "well, I may or may not be healed, it all depends on what God wants to do" mentality. Please don't misunderstand me- I am not advocating that we will never be ill or that we will never experience physical pain because we all know the story of Job- and even more recently, we see how often Paul and the other apostles suffered for Christ's name- I am just saying, what is my mentality more often than not? It's a mentality of doubt.

I don't want to doubt God.

Chan has a great quote in his book, Forgotten God, "I think the fear of God failing us leads us to 'cover for God'. This means we ask for less, expect less, and are satisfied with less because we are afraid to ask for, or expect more." Whoa. However he (Chan) is very clear to point out that "there is a huge difference between believing what God has promised and praying for things you'd like to be true." This is a fine line.

The only time in my life that I can honestly say I believed faithfully for something, was when I prayed to conceive my son. I prayed like nobody's business. I became, not the persistent widow, but the nagging widow! I didn't accept no for an answer- I just trusted God would provide. I knew He would. I asked, cried, prayed, wept, wailed, got on my knees, begged, pleaded, yearned...for 3 straight months I did this every day. One day, I went outside after crying out to God, and there above my house was a rainbow.

God had answered.

I took a test a week later and there was my answer. There was what I had been praying for. And 40 weeks later, my beautiful little boy was born. God answered because I believed. He answered in full.

Praise the Lord.

But yeah- not saying that this will always be the case when we ask persistently. Sometimes He answers in His own way. Sometimes it isn't the way we want it to be- He ultimately knows best, we can't thwart His plans (Job 42:2) but miraculous signs and wonders DO exist! He is the God of the universe!

Believe in them. They are Biblical.

3) Resisting the Holy Spirit

Oh man- this is a huge one. I touched on it earlier but I've become more an more aware of how the church
today suppresses the Spirit. It's like Francis Chan says in his book (awesome book!!!!), it's very easy to "combine a charismatic speaker, a talented worship band, and some creative events, [and] people will attend your church. Yet this doesn't mean the Holy Spirit of God is actively working." And it doesn't mean the full spectrum of God's power and ability is being shown or preached.

I have mentioned this before but a well known pastor from a well known church in my area has said that prophecy today is not relevant. That it is something used in the time of Christ but no longer necessary today. This goes against 1 Thessalonians 5:19 & 20 which say, "Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt". Yes, certainly there may be people who claim to "have a word from the Lord" and may in fact, have nothing but hot air, but we should not erect walls immediately or pass judgment because they may, in fact, have the gift of prophesy. Who am I to say it is not so?

I cannot.

We must, however, "Test everything. Hold on to the good. [And] avoid every kind of evil." (I Thess. 5:21). I'll be the first to admit that when people say God told them something that I think, "Uh-huh, sure He did." and proceed to pass judgment on their seemingly righteous behavior. But Scripture says otherwise. I need to test what was said, and trust the Lord to work as He wills. Prophecy also needs to live up to the standard of edification, it must be done out of love or it is meaningless (1 Cor. 13:2, 8; 14:3, 31).

But it DOES exist. God can speak through a blade of grass, if He wants. Who am I to limit Him?!

Anyway.

If you are still reading at this point, thank you. I am a work-in-progress, as is my understanding of the Holy Spirit. But I LOVE that God is always teaching me. I love that I've been given the gift of openmindedness- that I don't form an opinion and refuse to move.

The only foundation I won't compromise is my faith in the Word. Anything else is sub-standard and questionable. But His Word is steady, timeless, unchanging.

Thankful for that.

I'll keep you posted on the next installment of my learning process.
I'm sure you are on the edge of your seat, ha!

Until then...peace out.

Love this daddy.

2010-06-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

In lieu of Father's Day yesterday I must honor a great father.

My son's father. My husband. An incredible man.

Enjoy!

His first moments of fatherhood:

Loving every minute.

Our precious boy.

Four generations of Kampman fathers & sons

Go Hawks!

He even gets "spit-upped-upon" and smiles

Fixing things together

Eating meals with one another

The civil engineer and his clone.

Teaching the child to love "The Office"

Dedicating our son to the Lord

Reading books. The same books. Over and over and over.

And did I mention "over"? :)

Sharing together.

Love our small, precious family.

Love this man!

(Isn't he gorgeous?)

This is for today

2010-06-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

I read this today and it both overwhelmed and comforted me.

God spoke through His word today, and this is what He said.

Psalm 119: 33-40, 66

Teach me, O Lord, to follow Your decrees;
then I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep Your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of Your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward Your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to Your word.
Fulfill Your promise to your servant,
so that You may be feared.
Take away the disgrace I dread,
for Your laws are good.
How I long for Your precepts!
Preserve my life in Your righteousness...
Teach me knowledge and good judgment,
for I believe Your commands.

Texas Quacks

2010-05-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

Haha- I'm not about to talk about crazy people who live in Texas, no worries!

Nope, this is just a picture post of our fun duck-feeding adventure at gorgeous Landa Park in New Braunfels, Texas.

Enjoy!

Endnote: How sweet is it that ducks stay with the same mate for life?

I love that kind of commitment.

Have a great Thursday!

Seeking Truth

2010-05-21T10:45:00.000-07:00

The title may be somewhat generic but it's fitting for where I'm at currently in my walk with God.

After hearing a sermon series by Francis Chan on the Holy Spirit, I've begun to question how deep I really know this portion of the Trinity- and if most Believers could genuinely say they know Him (not "it", the HS is not a thing but a person) as well.

We all assume we have Him, we all think we know Him- but do we really?

Really?

I'm beginning to question myself, as well as many others I know.

I read an interesting quote by Chan that said,

"I'm just not convinced we've internalized this truth [that Jesus is alive in us and gives us power] and enjoyed His blessings as He intends. It seems like this is mostly head knowledge to us, and that we have not owned it...Do you have enough humility to be open to the possibility that you have been wrong in your understanding of the Spirit?"

Francis Chan is not a Charismatic, nor is he ultra-conservative. He approaches the Word exegetically and with full intention of seeking truth, not finding scripture based on a pre-conceived notion (which I think many Christians do (myself included). We like to form opinions about what we think is true, then find a concordance and look up all the scripture that supports our beliefs. Sometimes this is helpful, but most often the verses are taken out of context. OR we like to argue theology and doctrine until we are blue in the face.

Why are there so many denominations? Don't we all read the same Bible? Don't we all seek the same answers? It makes no sense whatsoever.

If we all lived according to the Truth of God's Word, there would be no reason to debate theology- we would just LIVE and BREATHE scripture. We would just LOVE others, LOVE God, and LIVE in the Spirit. We would live as the apostles did in Acts- breaking bread, praying diligently, working miracles through Christ's power in us, recognizing satan's hold over various aspects of our lives and casting out demons with the help of the Spirit. We would sacrifice for others, rather than gain unnecessary wealth and status, we would live humbly and walk with our Lord. We would sweat, breathe, and live by, in, and through the Holy Spirit, the Counselor that Jesus claimed in John 14 was far better for us to have than Jesus's physical presence itself.

Yet- we forget this. We don't recognize it.

In fact, I've been in many churches that actually seek to stifle the Spirit's power because, well, it makes them uncomfortable. And- well by golly, we must be comfortable, because heaven forbid we let go of control, heaven forbid we forget about ourselves and lose our composure, heaven forbid we feel even the slightest bit of discomfort. Because, you know, Jesus never shared His emotions, worked miracles, casted out demons, raised His hands in worship, sacrificed Himself for us.

How sad that we simply choose not to acknowledge His presence.

How sad that we daily grieve the Spirit simply by our apathy or complacency.

I agree there are many churches that abuse the Spirit's gifts, that make unhealthy, untrue claims about what He does or how He does it. I've met many who are fixated on merely being "healthy and wealthy in Jesus' name" and having faith means believing we will never experience anything remotely bad or challenging.

This is not Biblical either.

However, at least these people err on the side of belief. They do have that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having faith that God can and will provide. I think the real problem is the other side of the spectrum...the people who simply "go to church" because it's what they think they are supposed to do, they are supposed to volunteer for various church functions, and are supposed to read their Bible daily, they are supposed to send their kids to Sunday school and are supposed to be involved in a small group. However do any of these things allow for the Holy Spirit to shine in their lives? They can, but often, they do not.

These things are merely space fillers to make us feel better about ourselves or enable us to believe we are "good Christians". We do them to seek righteousness, or do them out of assumed obligation. These things do not bring the Spirit in-and-of-themselves. Quite often the Spirit is left out of these functions.

Quite often there is no evidence of Him whatsoever.

It may be blasphemous to speak on behalf of God, but I really don't think He'd appreciate being an "obligation," or a pit stop on our journey towards self-betterment. And I highly doubt He would approve our attendance at Bible studies, prayer meetings, or church itself out of self-righteousness or pride.

I can just picture Him shaking His head in disappointment and shame.

Here is another wake up call, pointed out by Chan:

"Even our church growth can happen without Him. Let's be honest: If you combine a charismatic speaker, a talented worship band, and some hip, creative events, people will attend your church. Yet this does not mean the Holy Spirit of God is actively working and moving in the lives of those who attend...it simply means you have created a space that is appealing enough to draw people in for an hour or two on Sunday. It certainly does not mean people walk out the doors moved to worship and in awe of God. People are more likely to describe the quality of music or the appeal of the sermon than the One who is the reason for people gathering for "church" in the first place."

As much as I hate to admit it, this is a very real description of churches I've attended. The majority of churches in my area have maybe one or two people who raise their hands in worship, who seem genuinely overcome by the Spirit of God, but the rest? No. And I realize everyone worships in their own way, that you don't need to raise a hand or belt out a "Hallelujah" to have the Spirit. However, I think many of these people aren't raising their hands out of fear and worry of judgment- not because it's their nature to worship silently. I do not say this to place judgment- I say this because I am of this crowd.

I am one of those who fear judgment, and I am tired of living this way.

When a song arises that sparks joy and praise in my heart, my hand wants to shoot up, my mouth wants to belt it out, eyes closed, and be fully immersed in His presence- but alas, I have fear. I am scared of what others might think, say, or gasp, do.

BUT.

Today I say no more.

I'm tired of grieving the Spirit. I'm tired of denying His power in my life. I'm tired of feeling burned out by the church (little "c")- I'm tired of thinking untrue, unreal, unworthy thoughts fed to me by lifeless pastors/teachers/authors/"Christians".

I want Truth.

I'm re-reading the New Testament, specifically Acts through Revelation. I'm praying for fresh eyes and an open heart. I'm asking that God reveal to me what is True regarding the Spirit, and to gain a greater understanding of His power and capability to work through me.

Care to join me?

If so, feel free to read the above with me (Acts-Rev) and read this:

Please consider it, there is SO MUCH MORE to the Spirit than we could ever know.

So much more.

Hamming it up

2010-05-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had a birthday for my sweet little guy (he'll be one on May 5).

He didn't quite know what to think about the cupcake but eventually figured it out :)

Happy (early) Birthday Sweet Boy! A tribute will come later...but here's a fun photo for now:

Spring!

2010-04-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

Spring has been a theme with my two blogs this week.

We've had some awesome weather 'round these parts and we've been enjoying it!

Will's new favorite activity is swinging at the neighborhood playground so here are a few photos to perk up your Tuesday :)

From our family to yours- Happy Spring!

Love this!

2010-04-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

Just read, it's great. She's great.

Her words are incredible, and I have a special place in my heart for this woman.

Sarah, you. are. the. best.

If you haven't tapped into her blog, it's a must.

Read her latest post.

A Day in the Life, March 2010

2010-03-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

I believe I did one of these last fall but since they are all-the-rage among mommy bloggers I thought I would do so again, now that the little guy is older and life is a-changing.

What does a day in the life of this mom look like?

Let's take a gander, shall we?

6:30, Wake up, stumble into my running gear and hit the road. Run about 3 miles in the brisk morning air, the sun rising in the east- beautiful. Love it.

7:00, get home, listen to Will babble to himself. Peek in his room- he's playing with his little safari animals in his crib. Leave him alone for a bit while I make his bottle and eat my breakfast. Breakfast for me? A bowl of hearty granola with soymilk. Yums.

7:15, get Will (who is now standing up along the side, calling "Mamamama!" He knows I'll be there shortly),
bring him into our bedroom and put him next to Curt (who's still asleep). Let him drink his bottle and climb all over Curt. It's the perfect way to wake my husband up nicely. :)

7:30, make both boys a bowl of oatmeal. Pray together then Curt eats his while I feed Will. Curt continues getting ready.

7:55, I change the kiddo (diaper and clothes). Curt heads off to work-thankfully his building is a mile down the road! Will and I play blocks or some such equally fun activity (read books/take a bath before changing his clothes).

8:15ish, go for a walk (either outside or at the NL rec center, depending on the weather). William talks to himself or people-watches while I speed-walk and read a book. I've perfected this feat (reading, pushing stroller, walking). I do think I have it down to a science.

8:50, head home, pull into the garage. Let Will push the garage door button. He LOVES this. Don't know why. He's totally his father's child- loves to know how things work and why. I envision another engineer in the family. Lord help me.

9:00am, put Will down for a nap. Thankful he has always been a great napper, and puts himself to sleep! Make myself some much-needed coffee.

9-11am, clean house (if I'm feeling domestic), take a bit of me time to study The Word, then blog on this little thing. Often I will also waste a bit of time on Facebook (I'm guilty, what can I say?), read some of my favorite blogs, and begin any supper preparations. Today I took some dough out to rise for fresh rolls with quiche tonight. However this time around I am swapping crab for chicken sausage and spinach for colored peppers. Should be good! Other randoms during this time would be showering (I wish I could say this is a daily task but sometimes it just doesn't happen. Today, because I ran, it was a priority!), paying bills, laundry, etc.

11:00, Let Will talk to himself while I eat lunch. Today's fare was leftover homemade sausage mushroom pizza and a big bowl of spinach salad with red onion, mushrooms, bleu cheese, and broccoli. After eating I got the babbling boy up, fed him a bottle and prepared his lunch. We pray together for various places/people and give thanks. Will can't say "Amen" yet but loves it when we do- he waits patiently for it, then squeals when we say it. Hi-larious. Might just be because food is about to come. Today he ate pureed cauliflower, broccoli, & carrots and a veggie burger.

11:30, change the little man's dipe, then allow him free time. I generally just let him roam the house exploring and playing with whatever he can find. I read somewhere that this is good for little boys especially- allows them to be adventurous and inquisitive. Our house isn't very big so it's fun to watch him explore. I hang out in the kitchen making monster bars for our small group tonight.

12pm, go for another walk- it's GORGEOUS outside today. We walk to the park nearby to play on the slide and swing for a bit. Will loves swinging and playing in the dirt. He's such a boy. I love it. Watching him get dirty is hilarious. I'm not one of those moms who is afraid of soiling clothes. I love splashing in mud, rolling in dirt, playing in creeks--it's all part of being a kid and fostering imagination. Love it all. Bring on the dirty laundry!

1pm, naptime for the kiddo.

1-3pm, rest and relaxation for me. Often I will use this time for more supper prep (if needed), take a nap, or blog (if I didn't in the a.m.). Or I might divulge my senses and dive into a good book. Yes, I live for these moments. This is also my chocolate break for the day. Today's fare? Leftover Oreo truffles (recipe coming soon!) and a cup of Moroccan Mint tea. Oh heaven.

3-5pm, errands or play with other kiddos. Often Will and I will venture to the grocery store during this time, or anywhere else we need to go that day. Or we will get together with some other friends and kiddos so the tykes can romp around together. One thing I am really looking forward to is beginning some pre-school lessons with Will (when he's a year or two older). I just bought a whole lesson plan kit from this fabulous site, and can't wait to dive in! However, he needs a bit more time yet to simply be a toddler. :)

5pm, start supper and look for Daddy! Will loves waiting at the top of the stairs when he hears the garage door open. It's adorable.

5:30, Pray for the meal- hold hands and give thanks. Will loves to watch Curt pray...it's precious. Eat supper, play with Dad (usually some sort of block-building experience), I get to either venture out and spend time with these lovely friends, go to an aerobics/kickboxing class, or simply enjoy down time with my family.

7pm, Small group (tonight). Our good friends, the Witthofts, are coming over to discuss a book we have been going through and partake in monster bar action (YUM!). We usually do a full meal but tonight is simply dessert and discussion. We enjoy them!

8:30, Read to Will from his baby devotional & put him down to bed. I know a lot of parents put their kiddos down earlier but this time works for us. Curt doesn't get to spend time with Will during the day so we like to keep him up a little longer so they can have their time together- it works well for us.

8:30- 9:30, Honestly, we usually end up watching T.V. or I will read a book (I'm not a big television person). Very often I will take a bubble bath just because I love 'em and I couldn't do that while in Africa (thus I enjoy each and every one in it's entirety until the day when I am without them again!).

9:30-10, Hit the sack.

The one thing I've noticed that is really lacking in my day is simply sharing Christ with others. I often feel like I spend all day being a mother and wife and then reach the end, feeling like I didn't really accomplish anything at all. On the days I work (and those are a completely different schedule, I will share another time) I feel I reach a few more people than normal, simply because I am often working with challenging kids or children who have broken families/homes. However, on the whole I often feel outreach is seriously lacking.

Do any other stay-at-home mothers feel this way?

Our small family prays, we go to "church" (as in, a building), we meet with other believers, but really, I find that we fail miserably in outreach. This weekend Curt and I began to talk more about what this might look like. We have been on mission trips, overseas and domestically- but as far as locally, we often fail.

It's when I do these "daily schedules" that I realize how hum-drum my day really is. I love my son, I love spending time with him- he is my absolute joy and love of my life (aside from my husband) but I still feel unfulfilled. I know there is something missing.

My passions are cooking, baking, reading, and teaching. I am searching for ways to share these gifts with others. This past week I applied for a position teaching summer school to struggling learners (middle-high school kids). It's only 16 hours/week but I'm really, really excited for it (if I'm hired). I'm really hoping to get the job, to serve those who might be broken and embittered- because often the kids who fail or "check out" of school are the ones who need the most love and attention. This week I am also volunteering with a friend at the local Choices Clinic. It's a place where pregnant teenage mothers can go (who chose not to abort their babies) for free medical care/supplies/and counseling. I can't wait to encourage these women and praise their boldness. It's something I'm truly looking forward to.

I'm excited for both of these opportunities.

Will you help me pray for each?

Thanks, friends.

:)

Christlike Passion?

2010-03-23T08:04:00.001-07:00

I have been shaken lately at the force of the healthcare debate. So much that it has pervaded every thought, every feeling, every emotion the past few days. I am in shock at how adamant people are both for and against it. How vengeful and irate people have been.

And you want to know the irony?

The most vengeful and irate are Christians.

They are the ones doing the spewing, the raging, the arguing. And trust me, it isn't in a humble, loving, thoughtful, or respectful way.

It's downright hateful.

One issue that has continued to arise is abortion. It's always the issue, it seems, when it comes to believers. Please let me say this at the onset, I am against abortion. FULLY against it. I have a son, I have no clue how or why anyone would ever terminate a child. I cannot support that in any sense.

However.

I am appalled at people who argue against abortion, yet are not prepared to care for those children once they come to term. People who aren't willing to assist and help the women who choose not to abort; the women who may perhaps be single mothers, or simply couples who do not earn enough to care for their children properly. These people rely on government programs via our taxes, to help themselves.

The underlying issue I have seen is this: people don't want babies aborted, but they also don't want their money being spent to support those children or mothers once they are born.

It's hypocritical in the strictest sense and it's sad.

We want to save the babies but we don't want to fund them. We are willing (albeit passively) to let them to be raised in broken homes, get abused, live on cheap and unhealthy food, and (many) go to prison or commit violent crimes because they did not have people to love and care for them as children.

Yeah.

How fair is that? We "Christians" can appear so vehement on one end, but where is our undying devotion to serving and loving the unloved? The unhealthy? The uncared for?

I got into a conversation with a fellow believer yesterday who is adamantly pro-life, as she should be. She not only holds the opinion that pro-life is a non-issue, she also devotes her time volunteering and giving money to free medical clinics for women. She not only holds an opinion, she is doing something about it. She is loving others sacrificially and caring for the broken. She is making a difference. She is representing Christ.

She is an anomaly.

Thank you, Jeni, for your love for others. Many of us are not as Christlike.

I was also reading another friend's blog this morning, and find her views undeniably similar to my own (she is Canadian and therefore lives under universal healthcare).

The following excerpts are taken from a her blog.

The big thing for me isn't even [the bill's details]. Those things eventually work themselves out if you're committed to the end result - health care for everyone. If you really believe that it is a pro-life issue - like I do - then you will find a way to make it work. The first iterations might not look fabulous - our system has gone through many changes over the years as we seek the best way to meet the needs of the country - but it evolves and reforms over time.

Even the pragmatists realized that it's in the best interest of a nation for more people to be healthy - because then they go to work! Same thing with education - it's in my best interest for people to be well-educated and healthy, right? Health care will never be a deficit reducer. But [Canadians] way of thinking, we'd rather spend the money on keeping people healthy and getting them educated (because then they work! They pay taxes! They make money! They change the world! etc.) than leaving them sick, broke and/or in prison. Either way you're spending money, it's just where you want to spend it. People that are healthy are productive.

No one should profit from the health of a person. No one should profit from anyone else's misfortune; in my opinion, that completely goes against the message of Jesus

I fully agree with her. Thank you, Sarah, for your thoughts- which often mirror my own. I wish others of the faith felt the same way. I wish people weren't so selfish and spiteful when it comes to helping others. I wish people acted on their beliefs instead of merely holding them.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I was thankful for this man's comment to Sarah's post:

I'm writing because I was personally challenged by this one statement you made: "Those are the details that eventually work themselves out if you're committed to the end result - health care for everyone." It was a moment of conviction for me. I am opposed to the health care bill in the U.S. I have acknowledged the need for reform, but I've disagreed with the methods and choices presented by the "other side." To be really honest, I've distrusted their motives, too. But your powerful sentence caused me to realize that I have not been committed to the welfare of others. It was shocking to realize that I had never asked myself the question, "how can we accomplish health care for everyone?" I have tried to argue with civility and charity, but I have never had the good of others at the center of my heart. Thanks for your words I must go back to the start and make sure my heart is with Jesus.

This man changed his heart. He realized his irony. He is doing something about it. Praise God.

If only we could all be as bold.

If only we could all represent Christ.

If only.

I pray that I too, can merely not hold my beliefs, but act on them.

I pray that I can love others, serve others, BE Jesus to people daily.

I pray that I don't spew venom for the sake of argument or passion.

I pray that others might be loved on account of my passion.

I pray that women will realize they can afford babies, with the help of our nation.

I pray that families will now be able to get proper healthcare and not worry about paying for it.

I pray that we might quit arguing and start doing.

Please Lord, help us become more like you.

Please.

Handheld Beauty

2010-03-12T05:19:00.000-08:00

The past few years I have begun to notice the beauty of hands.

There is something in a handsbreadth that displays its history, lifestyle, and experience.

I first noticed this at one of my husband's family gatherings (the Neymeyer side for all those who read this and know the family). It was a few years ago (maybe 4? 5?) when Grandpa Lester was still with us. He was describing, in detail, his experience serving in WWII, and while the stories were incredible to hear, I found I was staring at his hands.

I wish I had taken a picture.

Hearing his stories of being on the front lines, the horrors and sadness witnessed, the ways the war challenged his faith and his yearned-for contact with family & loved ones... and all I could do was look at those hands.

Those hands had been through ALL of that, and more. The finger of one had a ring that symbolized a 60 year bond with a woman he adored, the palms had held guns and had been planted on the shores of North Africa. The wrists had gently held six babies and raised each with an undivided love and faith. The fingers fixed a multitude of broken machines (and saved most of them regardless of whether they were fixable or not...haha, you family know what I mean!), farmed, plowed, and toiled the land, they were hands that prayed mercilessly, hands that fingered through the Bible and wiped away tears. They were wrinkled, sun-spotted, thin-skined, and calloused.

His hands revealed his life.

And I couldn't stop staring at them. I was in awe.

Grandpa died the following summer, but I'm certain his hands are open wide and rejoicing with his Lord in heaven.

But then, then, a year ago a new set of hands entered my life. These:

And my hands have again changed forever.

They have birthed, held, nursed, and loved this little one.

My hands are a beautiful part of me...

Here are a few photos I also find absolutely beautiful:

But these little hands have become my favorite set of all

Look at someone else's hands today...or your own.

In awe, think of all they have accomplished.

Isn't it amazing, the life we've been given and what our

hands have done?

Now think of His hands.

I can only imagine.

In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth,

and the heavens are the work of Your hands.

Psalm 102:25

PLEASE LISTEN!

2010-02-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

MAN, oh man.

Seriously, seriously. You ALL need to hear this message.

First, I'm in awe of Francis Chan. For those who haven't heard of him, please get to know his stuff.

He's a man that doesn't mince words. Every sermon I've heard of his has rocked my world.

This one is BY FAR one of the best. It's worth blocking off an hour of your time and listening.

Seriously.

An Unlikely Servant...the heart behind the name.

2010-02-23T14:55:00.000-08:00

Many of you likely read the name of this blog and think, "Oh, that's cute." Or, "Oh, clever!" Or, "Oh, I wonder what that means?" Or you may have never even thought about it.

No biggie either way. However today I want to give you some insight behind the name, so that you may know a little more about "me".

My heart has always felt for the underdog. Probably because I have been there (and often still am).

If you are unaware of my full story, please read here. My continual question to myself is simply this: Why God, did you choose to pursue me?

Me, of all people. I am not special. I don't come from a predominately (or even slightly) Christian family. My mother very nearly aborted me. My parents divorced when I was three. My childhood was wrought with drugs, alcohol, violence, incarcerations, rehab (all of which my mother was a part of), eating disorders, mistakes made with adolescent boyfriends, seclusion, anger, hostility, pain, anguish, heartache, rebellion, greed, fear, temptation, lust, gluttony, obsession....the list goes on. I went through it all.

So, again I ask, why me?! Seriously. I am not asking this for pity, I am questioning with awe.

Really.

I am not one to beg questions, but I often just wonder why God chooses the people He does. You know? I mean, really, He tends to choose some real winners. I'm not saying that to be offensive, it's true. He chooses "unlikely servants," if you will. Yet these people really do make something of themselves, and really DO make Him proud. I live for this every day. At least I try. That's all I can do.

Yesterday I read a sweet quote by Jim Cymbala. If you don't know who he is, you should educate yourself. Seriously. Google him. Or read this book. It'll make your toes tingle. Anyway--he said this, "I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need him. Our weakness, in fact, makes room for His power." So true.

God loves the weak. He searches for them. He tirelessly pursues those who are humble, poor, faint-at-heart. This alone, is why I love Him. So, so deeply. He loves those who others might scoff at, steer clear of, or shy away from. He loves drug addicts, beggars, prostitutes, children of broken homes, homosexuals, politicians, atheists, pro-abortionists...HE LOVES THEM ALL.

So why, oh why, do most Christians act as though these people are of Satan? That they are nothing? That they should be avoided at all costs? I haven't a clue, do you?

If you do know why, please tell me.

Anyway- I am getting off on a tangent. I didn't mean to turn down this path. [Reeling it back in].

The real reason for this post is to explain my heart. I absolutely have a thing for the people others tend to shy away from. I really do feel this is where God has gifted me. As a teacher, I could do without the "A" kids, those that comes from "stable" homes, who's parents are at every single little event, who wear the name brand clothes and have the $300 iPods lurking in their pockets. Yeah, they don't really speak to me. Sorry, kids.

I love all the others. My absolute favorites are the ones all other teachers want to hate. The kids who yell in class, fight in the halls, wear baggy pants, have gang threads, throw things, sit silently and/or fall asleep in class, get expelled.

Yeah, those kids. I love 'em.

As an educator, I want to be the one that gets through to them. But as a believer in Christ, I want to know their stories. Really and truly. I want to know their hearts. Because, quite honestly, they act the way they do because they are desperate for someone to notice them. They long for it. They'll do anything to get it.

I had some pretty pivotal moments that occurred during my teenage years. Remember this post? If I didn't have those few people who reached out and grabbed a hold of me, who longed to know my heart and showed me the right path, I wonder where I'd be. I really do. I wasn't one to get into the drug scene, or dye my hair black and lather on white makeup, but I was one to pull away from others. To live within myself and hide. I am forever thankful to Brian & Sarah Bessey who grabbed me when I was at my lowest and gave me hope (and a friendship I will forever be grateful for, love you, Sarah!).

So what sparked this post?

I was reading the story of Hagar this afternoon. For those who don't know it (and I realize some of you don't, that's okay!), grab your Bibles and read Genesis 16:1-16; 21:8-21. Once finished, come back to me.

Ready? Okay. Really. Who do you identify with?

Quite honestly? I can't stand Sarah. Is that bad? Am I being blasphemous? Because, really, I think she is loathesome. I don't find anything admirable in her at all. She can't bear children so makes her husband sleep with her servant, then hates the servant once a child is conceived, she laughs at God when He says He will bless her, she forces her husband to banish the servant (and son) once she (Sarah) does have a child of her own (God still blessed her regardless of her skepticism). I mean, really? What is there to like?

Now I realize I don't know her personally, she may have been a really nice person. But judging from the scriptures, she really isn't portrayed as such.

Who speaks to me? HAGAR! Oh if I could only read her diary, or get inside her thoughts.

She was humble, poor, destitute, and a single-mom for all intents and purposes. And God loved her. And He blessed her. But man, I just get this feeling in my gut whenever I read her story.

I want to befriend her.
I want to encourage her.
I want her to teach me how to be humble.
I want to know how she did it.

There is just something about her that draws me, that makes me love God more, while at the same time questioning why He chose her to be the martyr. I have a lot of questions for God once I get up there.

I'm sure he's keeping me on earth a while longer to avoid my long list of inquiries once I arrive!
Haha. Love you, Lord.

But until then, I simply continue asking Him to show me those I can help and those I can relate to. Those I can teach and those who can teach me. And I pray, I PRAY, that I don't get the typical Christian mindset. One that becomes comfortable in their little small groups, with their little churches, in their little bubbles. Oh don't let me be like this, Lord. Please continually push me. Shape me. Guide me. Get me out of my box.

Thanks, Lord, for loving the destitute.

Thanks for loving me.

This Lenten Season

2010-02-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

As some (or most..or none) of you know, the season of Lent is underway.

Though I am of Protestant origin, and more specifically Evangelical, I generally don't observe the tradition of abstaining from a chosen vice. However, during the month or so before Easter I often feel some sort of yearning within to grow closer to God, to take part in something bigger...to give something up in remembrance of Him.

So yesterday I thought, I'm going to fast every Friday. Yes, that's what I'll do, I'll fast.

Ha.

You see, fasting absolutely never works for me. Never. I'm gung-ho for the first, oh, three hours of my day, until I get ravenously hungry or irritable and need sustenance. My body needs calories, generally in the form of carbs. It doesn't survive a deprived lifestyle. Now I realize you are supposed to find your fulfillment in God and use the day (or days, depending on your ability) to fill yourself with Him. I find that giving up food does not help my relationship with Him, it only makes me hungry.

And cranky.

And, to be honest, often the only reason I take part in the fast itself is because losing a few unwanted pounds never hurts either. But that is the absolute WRONGEST (I realize that isn't a word but it just fits) reason to take part in one. And I don't like other people asking me why I'm not eating, then having to tell them why, then having them think I'm "holier than thou" (which I am not, nor do I take part in fasting to make others feel they are less than me). And I get absolutely irritated when others elevate themselves in this way (or make themselves appear they are more righteous). I just want to put a sign over their heads that reads "Pharisee!".

So yes, I am a horrible faster. I just can't do it. From food, that is.

However, I am contemplating what I might be able to do instead. Fast from what? Fast from caffeine? Oh, Father, help me if that's the case because I would be a nasty woman to be around. Maybe. Hmm. Or artificial sugar? I love me some Splenda in my coffee...it's my one chemical allowance. Possibly. Or desserts? Oh man, no dark chocolate? No monster bars or brownies? Life would be dull, dull, dull. No alcohol? That would be too easy since I rarely drink, save for a glass of wine at Ladies' Night every Tuesday.

I haven't a clue.

One idea was to fast from blogging/email/internet-in-general but that's unrealistic considering my job operates though the web (subbing spots are posted online). And I'm waiting on a lot of grad-school schtuff via email.

So, again, what to do?

Not sure. I'm praying about it...but not saying so to sound "Spiritual", I really am trying to figure out what He wants me to do.

Are any of you "fasting" from something? Want to share? I realize fasting is Biblically supposed to be done in private so if you don't want to reveal, that's fine too. I'm simply interested.

That's all for now...

Oh, and pray for my kiddo--he's got a nasty cough and is leaking from ever orifice. Sorry, TMI.

Ode to a Wonderful Woman!

2010-02-03T09:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I was able to partake in a very special event.

Dr. Lori Wenzel had a birthday.

And she also happens to be the lady who brought my son into the world.

Lori is an INCREDIBLE woman of God, who has blessed many families (and their offspring) by being an incredible doctor and friend. My sis-in-law had a brilliant idea, why not celebrate this woman's life and work by having a surprise party?! We all thought it was a fabulous plan. So we set out to get the job done.

And boy was Lori shocked!

Here are just a FEW of the woman who have had Lori as their OB, and the children she has helped bring into the world:

Nearly all my friends have her as their doc, including close friends Kelsey Washburn and Jen Witthoft

(and my sis-in-law Jamie)

In fact, Lori has brought many Kampman kiddos into the world (as seen below!):

I can't thank her enough for taking me from this somewhat unpleasant state:

To this:

And all the spaces in between

Thank you, Lori, for helping bring this incredible blessing into my life!

Love, Curt, Abbie, & Will

My little ham.

2010-01-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

Lately Will has been working on feeding himself and using a sippy cup.

By George, I think he's got it.

However, he tends to add his little vivacious personality in the process...

What a goof.

Oh my, I love this kid.

Splish Splash!

2010-01-05T07:53:00.000-08:00

I was giving Will a bath this morning and realized how crazy it is that he could, in a few short months go from this:

To THIS:

Amazing. That's all I have to say!

New Blog!

2010-01-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all.

Still not sure how many people read this thing (though my hit-counter climbs steadily each day, odd), because many of you, ahem, don't leave comments (FYI: blog writers love blog comments, it helps them know how many people are reading and whether what is being written is actually read. So if you are a blog-stalker, but not a blog-commenter, think about changing your ways).

Anyway.

So I've started a new FOOD BLOG. Feel free to peruse at your own convenience. However, if you do, comments are appreciated, and suggestions are welcomed (but be nice!).

Thanks for reading!
Abbie